Explaining the S... Part 2... Societal Bias

(and for those of you "out there" who are a little slow, I'm simply going to refer you back to this post, a year or two from now, when I haven't quit, and you still "don't get it")

S-Factor, more than anything else is a moving meditation, closer kin to taichi than to a strip club. Yes I'm serious.

And... here's a really long way to get to where this gets explained.

See... here's the thing... we do live in what evolved as a "patriarchal" society. That's just what it is, and I don't think we can change the past. And I'm not bringing this up because I'm angry or upset about it (and I'm sure someone out there is going to bring up the word "feminazi" simply because it is SO SCARY that there might BE another, different point of view... a variation on the paradigm you've been living in, ohhh... for about 5000 years... and if you want to know who you are (proof that you are living in that old paradigm): right about now your eyes are glossing over...on the other hand, if you're getting pissed off at me saying this, there is hope for you, you're going to wake up sooner...).

If you're looking for the proof of the patriarchal nature of western society, that would be a whole 'nuther blog post (or twenty) and a bunch of books that I'd hand you to read. Suffice it to say, the 'gender-neutral' in pronouns, and in the gender of an infinite being, aka "God" (which therefore has no gender unless it has both genders...) is male. If you want to take up this discussion with me, ask for another post. Next...

As a result of this societal earth-is-flat bias (sort of a social determinism...or an experimenter's bias... something from a basic chemistry class comes to mind here... as do Schroedinger and Heisenberg (and then I start thinking that really its no accident the faith healer Bruno Groening was around at the same time...and was German...as when the quantum physics - thang was going on... but I very much digress...) ) the body of a woman, her natural-born gifts of curves, curls, wiggles, and giggles, is basically seen as profane. Without even trying to attract or seduce. A 4-year-old-girl is asked to "cover up" her top (no different than the boys tops at that point) at a public pool because some grown-ups are uncomfortable... that 4-year-old girl gets the clear message she is Different. Set-apart. the message is, her body isn't good enough. And Why is a woman's body considered profane? because the people who are making the rules are turned on by it (and ya gotta teach 'em young... right? nip that in the bud.). Without her making an effort to do so. The power of a woman's body to turn-on, to attract, is SO powerful... her light has to be covered up under a bushel basket (or a burka)... Because a woman can cause car accidents Just by feeling good about herself and walking down the street.

But I hear men of all ages, "loving fathers", say they are going to lock up their daughters until they are 30. The message is, it's the girl's fault that boys and men respond to her. The sin of Eve, played out all over again. And that somehow, it is "supposed" to be controlled by men. That she, because she is a woman, is never, ever going to be good enough.

The power contained within a woman is seen (by men) as overwhelming and "out of control" unless, that is, someone (a man) is in control of it... News Flash: it is far better to have the woman, and the girl, be in control of her own power.

So here we are, in 2009, and the attitude towards womens bodies is still split. Either you are a whore or you are a virgin. There's little middle ground, unless you are a socially-acceptable mother. And your men want to PROTECT you from other men at all costs. Because, of course THEY know how DANGEROUS men are. So its the daughters who have curfews, get put under burkas,... and end up not owning their own bodies. Not out of their own selves, but out of an overdeveloped FEAR in the bodies and hearts of their men. End up hating themselves, thinking they are ugly (that one was mine for about 30 years...), or destroying themselves through eating disorders to meet an ideal, one that was set up by men.

Women's bodies are not profane. Our curves, our lust for life may bring you to your knees, but that is just who we are. And its a good thing womens bodies are designed to attract too, otherwise you-all would have completely descended into a world filled with detatched non-interaction as you all sit at computers, televisions, comic books, and spreadsheets and books, and forget to go out into the sun and have fun. You'd spend all your days playing XBox and Wii and ordering pizza. Unless you're at war, or a football player. (yes, I'm exaggerating!!!)

what I'm saying is your assumptions about women, about protecting women, about the seductive nature of women, is skewed, by the fact that this culture is built on the belief that God is a man. And therefore, we women-folk, are secondarily derived creatures, simply because we're not men.

In the words of Jessica Rabbit, "I can't help it, its just the way I'm drawn." damn straight, girlie.

Again... your assumptions are skewed. Not completely wrong, but skewed.

and really... how fucked up is it that WOMEN have to be limited and protected because MEN are "dangerous"? Have men grow up and have some self control instead! Duhhh....

(and if you're looking for yet another extreme point on the "acceptability" of this type of behavior by men, consider this: http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2009-04-04-afghanistan-law_N.htm I get the feeling there are going to be a lot of women with "headaches" in Afghanistan!!!)

So...all that brings us to SFactor, as I see it. please page forward to Part 3...

Explaining The S... Part 1... The NOT-Whys

http://www.sfactor.com/

As some of you may know, I take pole dancing classes.

And, I've found, a lot of you have absolutely no comprehension as to why... and your guesses as to "why" on the matter of these classes seem really, really, bad... and the reason I say this, is because there are a lot of you-all who won't even discuss about it with me, but will make jokes about it in the distance. (Which tells me that you think I'm some kind of bizzare freak or something... )

First, I'm NOT taking pole dancing classes to be "subservient to men" (yes, someone made that comment)... In fact... men aren't even allowed in the studio.

Second, I'm NOT taking pole dancing classes to learn to be seductive to anyone else (seducing myself is another matter entirely)

Third, I'm NOT taking pole dancing as a means of rebelling against an overly-constrictive upbringing.

Fourth, I'm NOT looking for "a second career"

Fifth, I'm not doing this for you, or for anyone else. (I'm doing this for me.)

Sixth, I'm NOT doing this because I'm some kind of freak.

Now that this is all cleared up (and really, if you can think of any other really bad reasons you think I'm taking this class, feel free to send them, so I can tell you, no, that's not the reason either!)

Now... for part 2...

my letter written and sent to the Chief Rabbi of Great Britain, upon completely reading is excellent book

Dear Sir Sacks,

I was blessed to recently read a copy of The Dignity Of Difference, and I thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated it. I am grateful for your mind, and for your ability to express yourself in a way that truly conveys what the issues are that are important for all of us in an increasingly interrelated world.

I am writing to you from the United States, and am a highly intelligent woman, an engineer, single, heterosexual, raised in a Republican home (now Libertarian in my political views), raised-Roman Catholic but now consider myself as not having a specific religion, because none of them really "fit" me, and I do see truth in all of them.

I would like to share my thoughts with you on a topic directly related to your book. I think that the covenant agreements as they presently exist are to be questioned, revitalized and revised to match the truth of who people are, irrespective of gender or age, and to also to include within the agreements that these covenants are open to revision as individuals grow and develop.

The covenant agreements as they are made today are more often than not made between parties who do not consider themselves equitable. For example, parents create a life based on their own perspectives and "traditions" that may not "fit" the identity of the child, and may create a circumstance where a child grows up with a severe identity crisis because of the parent's own limited world view. Also the contract between man and woman in marriage, the man is seen as the leader under a traditional value system, but that the "male breadwinner"/"female caregiver" role has largely disintegrated, and frankly, the woman may be more capable as the economics of industry has turned away from muscle-based labor as its driving forces. Personally the thought of being cherished and treated as a more traditional woman by a man who is more capable in the world than I am is a very welcome idea, but, given my God-given talents and the service I offer to my professional clients, I suspect the relationship I will create with my man may involve aspects which may be somewhat less "traditional".

It has been my observation that the preservation of the dignity of difference of which you speak exists not only between cultures, but between the genders within one culture as well. The role of women in all of the major religious and non-religious cultures in this world is subjected to the subjugation of their opinions and beliefs based on gender. When reading your book, I kept seeing reflected that "every woman is like a jew"... a group of people that is different but lives in direct relationship to all cultures on the planet. And intelligent women of history who carried the culture of women have been condemned as witches and killed for the fear of their wisdom. Women, in recent historically have also been set against one another most often as competitors rather than having a shared culture, and our culturally approved identity absorbed by the dominant (male) culture in which we live... and the "carrot" of what "should" be our "goals" as women (as established by the media, in the absence of an alternate view) set so far out as to be frustrating and unachievable... In short, there is presently no equivalent state of Israel for women, and no Torah, either in virtual-space or physical.

It is clear to me that the issues of women and of real gender equity is essential and inseparable to the global cultural dialogue of which you speak! I completely agree with you that a more localized perspective, and a respect for the role of religion, faith, and family play in the development of personal identity, however, when the sub-set of woman in all cultures is still consistently treated as a minority party of each culture, the dialogue between varying cultures will continue to be contentious. Women are a subset of all cultural groups, and sometimes a majority in population, and yet, all over this world women are bullyied, beheaded, and belittled in the interest of keeping a "culture" to its "fundamental" or "religious" perspectives.

For example, men are chosen as world leaders, but can't leave their house without their wife's assistance at matching their socks... And yet when a woman offers her qualified opinion to her man on work or financial matters, he will often reject it or ignore it or feel like she's not treating him "like a man". But consider this -- how well are men doing with the job of leading nations? Might not a woman's hand in things be of great assistance?

I've often seen this in my work as a lead electrical engineer on projects. Men (particularly older men) who are working on my projects will disregard my comments, but say to me "yes, yes, I reviewed it I'm taking care of it", and persist in doing things "their way" until they hear the very same comment from someone else who is a man, or until I exert my authority a second or third time. I've learned that I must address this without anger, although having my company authorized role and my engineering judgement, ignored and disregarded does feel very personal.

For the past few years, I have been a student of women, men, relationships, and myself, and have reclaimed a more feminine life, after having being raised to think more like a "man" than as a woman. I have forgiven, and continue to forgive, the "traditional" world-view that led me to feel like the identity of who I am was stuffed into a box. The irony is, the part of me that got devalued was the feminine part. I am personally doing the very work of which you talk in your book on a personal level, of forgiving, of remaining open in conversation and moving into my own wholeness.

The only way I personally have been able to come to a sense of centered-ness when dealing with "traditional (male) values (both contractural and covenantial)" was within a group of women that I've found, where we have created our own sub-culture that is focused on the creation of the life each of us individually desires through the spiritual practice of pleasure, receiving, and joy (http://www.mamagenas.com/) and also the art of returning to and honoring the organic feminine movement and shape of living in a woman's body (http://www.sfactor.com/ I'm pleased to say we have classes in the synagogue across the street from the main studio as well!). These groups feel like both a contract and a covenant relationship with these women, and it changes and metamorphosizes regularly. It is made up of women of varied cultural backgrounds (although I do have to say there are more liberals than conservatives within these groups!). As a result my consistent associations with other women, I can now look again at the Roman Catholicism I was raised with and recognize more of its gifts, and not lose my identity in the process.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I truly enjoyed your book, and will be looking up your work online to read more of it. I truly would love to read your own perspective on the role of women as it relates to and is in parallel to and integral with this cultural identity evolution we are going through... And I suspect it will be women who are most involved in creating this conversation, because we've been dealing with these issues for the whole of our lives when dealing with the cultures of men, as it is also women whose wills are subjugated by force in the interest of fundamentalism and the preservation of a so-called "culture". The evolution of culture and the Dignity of Difference which you speak will be best accomplished when men and women can appreciate and value this within their own homes, with individuals we sleep under the same roof with, in conjunction with the mutual understanding and giving value to vastly different cultures from our own.

people do what people do...

Hangers.

Wire hangers from the dry cleaner...
wooden hangers from someplace expensive...
nice plastic/metal hangers from a department store that came with the suit...
plastic hangers purchased in bunches from kmart...
lingere hangers with poofy satin...

they all do the same thing, but, in my opinion, some are nicer than others!
and some more appropriate than others for hanging up coats.

there's a closet at my office where coats can be hung up if desired. Inside, there was about a dozen cheapie beat up wire hangers from somebody's dry cleaning, and a couple of nice hangers.

I felt a bit guilty when I took up a nice hanger, thinking it was like a guest hanger or something... but it didn't stop me from doing it.

So, as I have an excess of totally reasonable plastic hangers at home (and a few department store hangers) I donated a few to my office closet a few months ago. Now, there are plenty of sturdy hangers to put a midwinter coat on. I thought that at some point someone would pitch the cheapie wire hangers, as clearly, the hangers have been upgraded.

Know what?

there are people still using... Choosing of their own free will, the less sturdy, less pretty wire hangers... with nice sturdy plastic hangers sitting right nearby and empty, and the guest hangers sometimes empty, sometimes full, like "employee of the month" parking spots at a company.

I find this funny, and very educational. I don't know why people pick the wire hanger, and its possible they're not even thinking about it, but they've been using a wire hanger for 52 years (dammit) and they're not going to upgrade because, bygosh, the wire hanger was good enough before and its good enough now.

but you can't really suggest that they switch to a different hanger without bearing resemblance to Joan Crawford. So, its best to leave it as it is.

(besides, as I've found out both as the receiver of unwanted suggestions, and the giver of unwanted suggestions... the receiver can be quite often insulted that you think they arent already making the best available choice... or can feel like the giver is telling the receiver what to do, when they're just suggesting an alternative... and for a stupid wire hanger it's really not worth the trouble!)

Please feel free to take this as a metaphor for any habit -- a joyless life, talking about cranky things you have no control over (like the people who send you cranky emails, or who use cheapie hangers when better ones are available), or... happyness and abundance.

Of course if you really do want the wire hanger (and why not, you picked it...) who am I to say its wrong?

This is Great...

Someone's gotten it. My goddess, someone's really gotten it.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,490690,00.html

http://www.thepinkchaddicampaign.blogspot.com/

I am at the feet of these women... this is so perfect.

an act of organized uber-fluffy, uber-girlie revolutionariness to protest against a violent act against women.

I am doing a happydance right now for this!

Have to get this out of my system...

Do you remember those little girls in elementary school who would tease, pick on, and gossip and spread lies about other little girls so that they'd somehow be "more popular"?

well, somehow these bitchy whiney little girls have grown up to be old cranky right-wing men. I get more spam and lie-ridden emails from republicans than I do from democrats. And I go back and do my best to fact-check them all (which is a total waste of my time, because, true or false, these emails don't add anything to my life but aggrevation). I go on http://www.snopes.com/ to root it out, but today I've just about had enough.

(if you're interested, the latest email is the one where ollie north tells everyone during the iran contra hearings that he installed a 60K home security system to protect his family against osama bin laden)

Do they do it to get attention? are they pissed that their candidate didn't win the election? are they grumpy about the bailout?

yes, probably.

but if you were a grown-up, and you were a parent or teacher to one of those little girls, what would you think?

and really. Does it make a person's case look better or worse for sending emails that are filled with lies? Such nice church-going folk. Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor. Go back to sunday school, you need a refresher.

(P.S... I got a response from the spamming nutjob who is parading as a sane, rational person... in a pitiful attempt at his own self-defense, he points out that snopes.com (with all of its footnoting and fact checking) could be false too. Yes dumba$$, that would be my point to begin with. Why did you send out the inflammatory and false email IN THE FIRST PLACE. See, there really is no need for a vast left-wing conspiracy... fearful right-wingers are doing a damn good job at making themselves look totally irrelevant and careless and the-sky-is-falling.)


P.P.S.... and then, she hears about a (muslim) man in Buffalo New York who has been charged with beheading his wife (who had filed for divorce.. and indicated domestic violence). And thinks that the statement of the obvious dangers of self-serving stupidity cannot be underlined any further than in this news story. I rest my case.

Survival Skills during the Financial Storm…

Here are my list of ideas of maintaining my sanity and my sense of living a life of abundance, which, in particular, are coming in handy during the recent seeming unpleasantness of the financial whirlwind we-all are finding ourselves in…

First, I have to say that I don't think that we're going to come out of this the same as we went into it. I think that we've gotten a HUMUNGOUS wake-up call that the end of the era of the "Conqueror" and "World Superpowers" is upon us. The world is Way too interconnected to think that you can one-up your neighbor anymore, without consequences to yourself. I think the best thing to do is get used to knowing that our whole life is fundamentally changing for the better. And we are, right now, in the birth pains of this transition.

Feel free to respond with your own ideas...

1. Enjoy things that are Priceless…

Invite friends over for a potluck dinner and board games night.
Pet your animal and give it a really good brushing.
Babysit your friends kids (or your own) for free.
Take a bath.
Slow dance your love in your living room.

2. Take advantage of having a network of friends…
Learn something new that’s on your “to do” list… and swap skills rather than pay for them. There’s even a website devoted to this: http://www.skillbound.com/ where you can extend your network to take this on. Brilliant.
Trade time with your friends – “Babysit” each other if you have difficulty getting motivated doing things like, de-cluttering. It’s easier to make decisions on things you don’t have an emotional attachment to.

3. Focus on what you HAVE that is GOOD.

Spend as little time as is possible focusing on the “Problems”… whether its fear, or lack, or whatever it might be. Focusing on the “problems” merely amplifies them, according to the “Law of Attraction” – It’s the old “punchbuggy” game you played on the bus with your friends going to school.. You’ll see VW bugs EVERYWHERE for the next few days after playing this game. Stop reading the news that tells you about all the terrible things happening to other people. Really… AND DON’T SHARE THESE NEGATIVE THINGS WITH ME. I already know about them if they're all over the news. People can be awful. I’ll deal with it if it happens to me. If its not funny, don’t tell me about it.

4. Be Generous.

If your friends are in a place of real need, extend a helping hand where you can… Not so much that you put yourself into a sinkhole, but give from what you have in abundance.

Donate your time to a worthy cause if you find you have more time than you did a few months ago.

Meditate and pray for your loved ones, your friends, and your foes. We really are all in this together.

5. Be Smart, Creative, Flexible

The "problems" cannot be solved by thinking of solutions in the same place we were when we created them. Everybody hears that and knows that, but we've entered a place where a lot of people are truly panicking and sad and forgot that anyone ever said that. Think of how you can learn from this. Take a thorough and calm eye to your life and what you've accumulated and ask what you can do differently, right now.

Do you need cable and internet at home? What about the gym membership? What routine expenses can you let go of? Can you take in a boarder or roommate? Can you reduce the temperature on your water heater just a bit?

6. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

Really. This is not the time to be a hoarder. If you have something you're not using (like 3 lifetimes supplies of paperclips), give it up as an offering to the Gods of Chaos that are consuming resources. Secondhand manufactured products are going to be relatively more valuable than they were a little while ago, because money is in shorter supply. Declutter. Sell your books back to Strand (or whoever). Donate what you don't need. Have a tag sale or stoop sale (they are sure to come back in vogue this summer) . Take advantage of freecycle, craigslist, your local flea markets, and your friends. Oh yes, and declutter emotionally too! Release and forgive all your ex-boy/girl friends, your 7th grade teacher, and that bully who used to step on your shoes. Give it up. It's over. We are surrounded by STUFF. Most of which we don't really enjoy very much. Get organized, bit by little bit if necessary.

Oh yes. and its a good time to learn to say NO to any events or obligations or activities or conversations you don't enjoy. Declutter that stuff too.

AND... act locally, think globally. Buying locally manufactured products & foods and keeping things out of the waste stream makes a lot of sense now. Think about the impact for more than just yourself when you're making choices. And really... take vacations in your own country rather than travelling overseas.

7. Cheap Eats

Lentils are ridiculously cheap and tasty. I suggest boiling brown lentils with whole garlic cloves and dried porcini mushrooms over egg noodles. Buy the cheap cut of chicken and make Coq Au Vin (that's what the recipe was designed for to begin with... the cheap cut of chicken). Enjoy Chef Boyardee with a glass of good wine. Canned tomato soup tastes great with a little polenta stirred into it. Make beef stew. Break out the recipe books and look for ideas. Plant a garden, or make good friends with that person you know who will have way too many zucchini and tomatoes come spring.

8. If you have the money and honestly want something, or want to do something, don't be afraid to spend.

Well, stimulating the economy is a good idea, isn't it? If you have the coin, there is a sale going on right now on ____(fill in the blank)_____) This state of being won't go on forever, you know.

9. Seek out whatever you can to find pleasure in the circumstances you find yourself in. If you can't find joy, pick the best feeling that you can feel right now... Even if that means something closer to sadness... and then from there, do it again. Like climbing up a hill, one step at a time.

10. When all else fails -- Laugh. You don't have control of any of what's going on, and nobody else does either.

P.S... I know some of you out there are going to think I'm living inside a happy delusional pink bubble. I'm OK with that. You can think that. (P.S. Bubbles float.) Maybe its because I used to spend WAY too much time panicking and worrying about a lot of things, and have found out it was a lousy way to live... and generally panicking made me less able to have a positive, lasting impact on my surroundings. I'll take my happy bubble, thanks... So glad you're doing all the worrying so I don't have to...