"Mama May I?"

I'm getting this out of my system...

So, The Queen has chosen that without re-taking her class, I'm not to return to the online community...

and I'm good with that.

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I know I'm in the right place at the right time, I know, thanks to asking for permission, that- guess what- I don't need to ask for permission...

and in the email back to me, the word sisterarchy was used... and I thought, "huh, that's a new one" Matriarchy, Patriarchy, hierarchy, ... ok ... sisterarchy (rather than sororarchy, which just has too many r's in it). And I don't know if this is now a word-part of this organization or not, but I doubt that it was made up by the person sending the email. SO, I did some thinking.

I looked up "hierarchy" on dictionary.com (convenient and excellent website) and found that the roots are "hieros" (sacred) and "archein" (rule and order).... so, now, in sisterarchy someone has coined...a Something... that's supposed to be... well what? One would think that this would be a "rule and order" of "sisters"... hmmm... but the funny thing is... this group is ironically, and supposedly, not about playing by the rules. Its in trusting yourself. Your inner wisdom.

Its about dancing to my own tune. To my own inner order... which, I am doing. Even when that inner order leads me into chaos.

anyway the whole thing seems totally ironic to me. and then to call something that was supposedly boundless a sisterarchy... thereby creating something under Rule and Order. i mean, Yech. It changes NOTHING. All the talk about Revolution... it ain't a revolution unless it really is a revolution... otherwise its just a changing of the guard... and that will get us nowhere.

I am a little cranky because I really wanted this group to be something where change truly occurs. The kind of change that does up-end "how things are done" for the betterment of all... but changing my place within the same-old-same-old is only going to be of use to the individual... the fundamental shift has gone missing in this cauldron. The ingredient of chaos just got left out of the soup.

but, I no longer am looking for the affirmation.

And I'm no longer looking for permission.

So, it really doesn't matter.

(If you are paying attention, consider it a gift from me that I didn't turn in the class' CDs in to ASCAP...I do try to not Be the hand of Fate. let the wheel turn as it will.)

Doing What Is Best For Me...

If there is one thing I can count on... its change.

I've read books telling about how our bodies change ALL the time. Our cells replace. It seems our consciousness is what keeps things inside boundaries... and we can pick, and learn and unlearn, the boundaries.

So, here I am, on a Wednesday, feeling like there are changes going on, and really, I should not be surprised.

So I took this great class (twice) and, when I couldn't wrap my head around something that happened with another student, and felt totally un-safe, I chose to leave the online community, which, according to the documents when I registered for the class, I'd have for my lifetime. I asked for my posts (All of them) to be deleted. Fast-forward to today(ish) where I learned what Kate from the movie French Kiss learned, that there's nothing safe enough to prevent things from happening to you... and that if you try you end up generally having a really boring time in the process... So, I decided to ask to return to this online community via email... after a few days of no response, I decided to see if I could actually log-on and, lo and behold, my account was still active! With about 300 posts still to my name! Well, geewhiz! So, I sent up a few posts ("brags" they're called...) and was roundly appreciated for returning... then I got an email (apologizing) that the webmistress would have to delete my posts, as we were waiting on a response from The Queen as to whether I would be allowed back on the boards...

and then I got the polite response from The Queen. Apparently, to be allowed the privelege of returning to the alumnae board (which I kicked myself off of, mind you...), she has "invited" me to take the class again. I can't say whether she thinks that I need the class, or if this is a matter of money (but taking a look at the economy...and at all I've learned and done which she has no knowledge of... my bet is on the former) but seriously... I'm not paying $3400 for access to a website. The website may be valuable, and the class may be extremely valuable, but I do have my priorities in order... It would not be pleasureable for me to take a class, although I'm sure I'd get a lot out of it, although not under these circumstances.

Don't misunderstand me, I do truly value what I've gotten from this class. I am much happier today than I was a few years ago. By that measure alone, the class was worth the price, the first, and the second time. I will say that along the way, I made choices that I would consider, now, taking back, but the choices were mine, and I'll stand with them.

Its kind of funny the way other people "know whats good for you"... its even funnier to me, considering this class opens paradigm shifts about exactly that... that the belief systems that have defined ourselves, up until now, may not fit who we actually are... and that the way to living the life we desire is to do what is pleasureable to ourselves, to follow our own inner voice, and break those boundaries where necessary. Sorry, Sweetheart, but why would I take on your definition of what's good for me, now, when you encouraged me to define my own life to begin with? I could go to Paris with that money!!!

I just had no idea I was SUCH a troublemaker... if I'd known this when I was in high school, I totally would have skipped class to go to McD's with the captain of the boys b-ball team.


The real Revolution lies within yourself and feeling your way through what is actually good for yourself...giving yourself permission, and choosing your teachers wisely. It lies in paying attention to the people and circumstances where you feel happy and satisfied (and the ones that don't!) and nurturing or weeding or pruning those things as needed. It lies in letting people love you, and laugh at you, and hold you when you cry... and in doing the same for them. Its in making a friend Chicken Tonite for dinner when he and his girl broke up. Its in learning not to let people stuff you into boxes that they choose (just because they're more comfortable with you like that) and loving them afterwards in spite of themselves. Its in living the day that is in front of you. Its in turning the so-called mundane into ritual and experiencing its meaning.

And in the thick of it, I don't think it always feels like a revolution at all, which can sometimes be the toughest part...