Veronica, Revisited

My letter to the people working to resolve the Deepwater Horizon Oil Leak

2010-07-01T09:25:00.006-04:00

I have submitted this to the Deepwater Horizon Response team...

take a moment to consider... and be grateful for those people in your life without whom you would be up a creek without a canoe, paddle, or a cooler.

To All The People Working to Resolve the Oil Leak in the Gulf of Mexico,

I am writing to say thank you for all the time you have already put in, for all of the attempts at solutions you have already tried. I want to let you know, as a private citizen and as an engineer, that I understand and honor all that you continue to do.

I know from personal experience how little recognition engineers and technicians receive when they are doing their regular jobs. I know that the only time most people even see us and know that we exist, is when there is a problem (usually one we didn't create)... and when they do, they want to know why we haven't solved their problem yesterday (forgetting that we were told there "wasn't a budget" to solve that yesterday :) ). I personally know what it is like to have a manager urgently breathing down your neck demanding solutions, and knowing darn well that same manager wouldn't be able to solve the problem without you. And I know how hard it is to create a real solution under those conditions.

I know that all of you care about solving this crisis as quickly as possible, and have spent months focused on this endeavor. I want to thank you for the thoughts of work you've had while doing your laundry, and for every World Cup game you didn't see because you were working. Thank you for every fast-food meal you've eaten at your desk, and for every night you tossed and turned in your bed, wishing that this was all just done with already.

What you are doing right now is much more important than any song written by the Beatles, and you deserve to be lauded by every teenager holding your name up on a sign and wearing your face on a t-shirt, and fainting from the sight of you in honor of your beautiful minds. You deserve to be celebrated for the work you do, every single day.

I want to thank you for your mind. For your heart. For your desire to resolve this crisis. I stand in gratitude for the solution that has yet to happen, and am certain that you have it within you to bring it forward.

I wish for you a management who listens to you and who goes to bat for you; an IT support staff who keeps all your computers and printers functioning; and understanding friends and family who cheer for you in a personal way.

Please take good care of yourselves. Take time to let your brain rest. Get a massage. Innovative solutions come from a brain that has a spare moment to access its creative side.

Thank you for al you have done to try to resolve the oil leak, and thank you for the solution that is on its way. I sincerely appreciate you.

Best Regards,
Kathleen P. Hunter, PE

This post will likely upset someone, maybe even you...

2010-05-13T16:56:00.006-04:00

So. It's been a while since I have written.

I am feeling inspired to write. By this:
http://rollingout.com/newsapolitics/politics/9409-african-american-studies-programs-banished-in-arizona.html

Now, I am not someone who enjoys getting all worked up for nothing, it vexes the spirit in me. And I find that a lot of "the news" is just that - Inflammatory. So, I approach articles like the one above with suspicion. I cannot tell from this article how much is truth, and how much was strung together by the blogger to make a point that has little to do with reality. Much like most of the news.

but the first thing I did, was to go looking for the bill referenced by the blogger above. Here is "Senate Bill 1069" for Arizona:
http://www.azleg.gov/legtext/49leg/2r/bills/sb1069s.pdf
It's about driving under the influence (of drugs & alcohol). I went through all the amendments I could find, and see nothing at all about any school programs, at all.

the bill I did find about Arizona school programming was this, House Bill 2281:
http://www.azleg.gov/FormatDocument.asp?inDoc=/legtext/49leg/2r/bills/hb2281s.htm
which appears to be the bill that has the blogger all riled up.

Only, when I read this bill, I can't tell what everyone is upset about. (Please go read it for yourself before continuing, it's short and to the point and pretty freaking clear to someone not legally trained, and I don't want to include the whole text here.)

What I see in House Bill 2281, is an attempt to prevent the teaching of classes which would "Promote resentment toward a race or class of people." (that's section A.2, but that pretty much sums it up for me)

Umm... where is the problem with that?

Lemme see... they even call out what is allowable (Section E)... teaching of controversial events in history. Grouping of pupils by ability that might result in a classroom having a "disparate impact by ethnicity" (such as in the teaching of english). And, the history of any ethnic group, as long as the teaching of that does not promote resentment, the overthrow of the US government, or are designed for a particular ethnic group, excluding others.

I. Still. Do. Not. See. The. Problem. With. This. Bill.

(if you, out there, read the bill and show me where the problem is, I am listening. Feel free to post feedback.)

What I Do see, are people getting upset by some blogger, who, from where I sit, didn't even get the number of the bill right, and screaming that word... you know the word... RACISM. And... It's in Arizona. Which, in the case of this bill, which the people getting upset probably didn't read, would mean that Whitey is out to get somebody, because Arizona passed that Immigration Bill, that frankly, I haven't read, so I am not going to comment on.

I find it really interesting how ready people are to believe that if a person has their doubts about Obama? They're a RACIST. If they are concerned about the economic feasibility about the healthcare plan? They're a RACIST. If they support Arizona's Immigration Bill? They're a RACIST. If they have any affiliation to The Tea Party? They're a RACIST.

What the fuck??

What year is this??? I ask you, dear readers (all two of you), do you honestly believe this? Why are you so ready to believe that someone is out to get you just because of the color of their skin? Know what that belief, that fear, is??? I give you one guess.

it's RACISM.

The media, and now any blogger, can put forth their ideas, just as I am doing. Can hold a mirror up to the world and ask "Do you see what I see?" OR "Do you see what I Want you to see?"

I am, however, asking you to question what you see. Even the post I give you, and definately the blog I listed at the top of the article.

What I see, is that the only way this bill, in the form I am reading it today, will have any impact on any school district's programming, is if there is (a) someone having a class about white supremacy or some other idiotic class that nobody should have allowed to begin with or (b) some school administrator is a total dumb-ass, and never bothered reading the bill, freaks out, and cancels something that is actually protected by the bill to begin with... which, lets face it, is possible... but is not the fault of the bill as I am reading it this evening, 13 May 2010.

What I know is that I am hearing some seriously varying stories on all things in the tub of immigration, tea parties, healthcare, etc. And people seem pretty freaking riled up about it.

Is throwing the word "Racist" around of service to the United States that you wish existed? Do you believe that the people you know personally your neighbors, friends, facebook friends, relatives who don't have the skin color you have, Racist?

Is there healing and more understanding needed between people of differing skin colors? Yes, I think so.

But believing someone a racist, flat-out? Have you heard their side? Have they listened to yours?

How does that behavior serve that healing?

where are we going, and how can we go higher from here? That's really all I want to know.

(and I just have to say, if the blogger listed above is correct, all foreign language classes will also be cancelled, along with the study of the French Impressionists, and English Romantic Poets. OK I'm done here...)

and in conclusion...

2009-10-09T08:25:00.004-04:00

What I'm really here to say, with my overly and overtly simple equation, with my assumptions that don't take a lot into consideration, is that the rhetoric, and the general assumptions about "the other guy" and what s/he's thinking aren't necessarily true.

So please... if you want to make your point to your audience, on facebook, on your blog or where-ever, don't post groups that propose jonathan swift-type responses to people's oppositions.

Just give me the facts, from a reputable source, and let me decide for myself how I feel about it.

Tell me how many uninsured people are, right now, going to the emergency room every time they have a cold.
Tell me how many, and what percentage, and what the cost impacts are, for people who walk out on their bills.
Tell me what happens to the fiscal health of the bill's proposed healthcare system if presently uninsured people do not opt to take advantage of it... and perhaps that's the reason the latest version of the bill says that it will be required for everyone to purchase insurance, or pay a penalty for not doing so.
Tell me what you're going to do about people depending on doctors to fix them, rather than taking personal responsibility.
Tell me how much my healthcare is going to cost me, and what the quality of my care will be, under the new plan. And back it up with numbers.

Because really, all the whining about the opposition to the bill, and how stupid, or partisan, or greedy, or racist "THEY" are, just makes me stay away from you, too.

The Healthcare Bill, Reform, and all that that implies...

2009-10-08T17:09:00.009-04:00

The healthcare debate has been giving me a headache...

Where do I stand? Let me make it clear that I am not in opposition to people having access to affordable health insurance. I think it is a great idea. I am personally grateful that I am in a position where I purchase my health insurance within a plan at a corporation.

What I have been having difficulty accepting is that so far, is the nature and discussion of the reform, the bill, and whether or not it's actually really good for me or for anyone else.

I also have found it difficult to separate rhetoric from truth, and question everything I'm hearing on both sides of the aisle in regard to this bill... And all I really wanted to know is:

(1) How much will this cost me / save me?
(2) How will this impact the quality of available healthcare for me?
(3) What is the overall impact to society in having this bill become "universal health care"?

So, I focused, like my geometry teacher taught me to: work from what I know to what I don't know... so I built a very basic formula in my head.

The current healthcare system has "A" citizens paying into it, at an average rate of "a" per citizen. Now, those who are paying in are assumed to, largely be able to afford it, and are buying typically, at a bulk rate from their company's packaged plan. There are also those paying in via individual rates, and those are notably higher.

The future healthcare system, however it is designed, will have in addition to "A" quantity of citizens, "B" quantity of citizens who previously couldn't afford healthcare, paying in at rate "b". If they could afford healthcare now, they'd be in group "A", so let's assume for the model that they can't. Rate "b" is less than rate "a", because it is assumed to be subsidized by the government.

Outside of both groups "A" and "B" lies any costs for anyone who walks away from costs of healthcare incurred, such as illegal aliens who can't afford, or even get, coverage. As it is, this number will impact the model, no matter how it's drawn, so it is outside the discussion as not having an impact to the cost.

For the sake of this modeling, "A" and "B" and "a" and "b" are all constants

The current system looks like this:
(A * a) / A = a available funds per person for healthcare in group A,
and a very big expense for any incidents to people in group B, but no monthly expense to them at all when they are healthy.

The universal healthcare system looks like this
(A * a) + (B * b) / (A+B) = available funds per person for healthcare in group A+B

What does this mean, and how do the two systems compare?
well, we've already established that b < a ("b" is less than "a" for the liberal arts majors ;) )
but let's just run the numbers a bit...

if the number of people in group B is 10% the number of people in group A (I'm assuming 10% of the citizen population not having health care right now).. B = 0.1*A
and the cost of healthcare for group B is subsidized at an average rate of 30%.. b = 0.7*a
then the equation for universal healthcare looks like this
(A * a) + (0.1A * 0.7a) / (A+0.1A) =
(A*a) + (0.07A*a) / (1.1A) = 0.973a available funds per person...
in other words, where the health care needs for citizens in group A and B are held constant, under the universal healthcare plan, no matter how its designed, as long as someone is subsidizing the care for group B the available funds per paying citizen under the new universal plan is, at best, 97% of what it is now, for a combined group of A and B.

This initial estimate may sound FANTASTIC for group B, and tolerable for group A, and "why are all you Group A people WHINING about paying for my healthcare, lets get rid of all fire departments, roads and schools because clearly you must think it's all socialism, etc etc etc...and why are you being so unreasonable..."

That 97% is at best. If the people in group B have more dependents, their healthcare cost per person goes up. If the people in group B have preexisting conditions requiring care, their cost goes up. If there are more people in group B than my estimate, or their subsidised at an average higher rate... in all of these cases, the available funds per citizen DROPS... which affects the quality of care. (now.. give some thought to what you suspect is the actual demographic of group B ....)

(and if you didn't bother working thru the basic algebra with me... well... tell me again the bit about the public school system being a public good??)

so as I thought more... hmmm... "maybe the health insurance companies are making big money, and if they just cut profits we'd be ok to cover that slack."
Guess what. Health insurance companies AREN'T making big profits. At most, they are making a profit margin of about 4 percent. That's it.
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/Why-Health-Insurers-Make-usnews-2363456358.html?x=0&.v=2

as you can see in this article, the higher profits are for Biotech and Big Pharma (big surprise there...). But I haven't heard much in this debate about Pharma and I've heard nothing on Biotech. Both Pharma and Health Insurance can be discussed in a per-citizen kind of way, because of what they provide... why the f*** are we focused on building another healthcare system to add to the government bureaucracies, when the for-profit businesses aren't making a mad amount of profit anyway? The truth is, for-profit businesses do whatever they can to make that profit, so if they are only making 4%, it isn't a great business to be in to begin with!

What kind of efficiency measures will the government be able to enact that are going to be SO fantastic that they are going to overcome what a business whose purpose it has been to make money, hasn't been able to enact?

I have personally noticed that when a for-profit company does something, that efficiency in the name of those gawdawful profits in general means they do a good job at getting the job done, in comparison to a comparable government agency. Private entities also are clearer about what they want, and don't change their project scopes over and over because it is a waste of money to do that. And government bureaucracies don't go away! By means of example: Robert Moses, enacted tolls on TBTA facilities that were supposed to end when the facility was paid for. In the 1940s and 50s. But instead, they just kept right on collecting, and funding, works of Moses' personal empire building, and it took a lot to stop him (but nobody ever stopped the money...). I have more recent onces, but I unfortunately feel compelled to remain closed lipped about them. But look around yourself for them... How did Fannie Mae do with mortgages? How did the SEC do handling Bernie Madoff?

Now you may say that the people who got Madoffed "got what they deserved (those greedy bastards)" but just think... You're an investor. you have made some money and you want to save up more so you can go on a cruise when you get older and enjoy the fruits of your labor. The American Dream. You are expecting that your money and investment is protected by laws and rules that have been enacted in the united states where you live, you understand that investments go up and down, and some guy is showing great profits. Great! Sign me up! He's a genius (until he's not)!

Plus there's a little thing called Sovereign Immunity. "In the United States, the federal government has sovereign immunity and may not be sued unless it has waived its immunity or consented to suit."
which means... unless there's a really good reason for it... have fun trying to sue the new "public option" part of the healthcare system!

And why, may I ask, if we are truly interested in "the good of the people", are we NOT focused on the sacred and profitable cow of the Pharmaceutical Industry?
Who's lobbyists do you think are better? The Health Insurance Industry, who we'll be ripping apart if this new bill goes through, putting people out of work because those meager 4% are going to DROP, or the Pharmaceutical Industry, who's making more profit, and we're not focused on them in this debate?

How about reducing the healthcare expenditures of people so the available money goes much further?
What about teaching and funding PREVENTATIVE CARE?
Are gym memberships, acupuncture, massage, all going to be covered in the universal care system? Why do I doubt it? You've got some yahoo republican senator suggesting maternity care not be insured (because he doesn't need it so he doesn't want to pay for it)!

Nope... to renovate this system.. to provide healthcare coverage for people who would like to have it... we're going after the little guy. We're going after the companies who are actually doing something by insuring for our years of self-abuse and stress, and all those free radicals causing degenerative diseases, that one day we're going to need it and get our moneys back.

I can think of a lot more things we could be doing with this system renovation. But who the heck am I? Just an infrequent blogger out in cyberspace, who has learned that you can't tell anybody anything. That people will believe what they want, and if you answer questions before they ask them, they REALLY won't listen. And if you ask the questions instead of giving them the answers... they get pissy and defensive, and declare you're clearly for "the other guy".

So, I'm going to focus on creating my reality the way I see fit. To continue to improve my life and hope that all I'll need is emergency care, eye care and dental care. I've said my piece, I've resolved my own headache with the healthcare bill, and, although I'd love it if all-y'all could afford healthcare... I acknowledge I have no power or authority to do anything about it. It is clearly outside my area of influence. And, people will believe whatever they want to believe, and go back to their existing neural pathways and repeated thoughts until they themselves choose to change. just like me.

And... any prior blog readers know I'm a proponent and believer in the Law of Attraction. What does this have to do with that? Lots. We each create our own reality. And, by taking care of ourselves First, we get an increasingly cleaner understanding of what we truly require, and we give from our abundance. I know, because it is happening with me personally. I find I'm not interested in accumulating a lot of "stuff", and I'd rather have nicer things, and fewer things around me, than being totally acquisitive. In short, focusing on my own pleasure has caused me, very naturally to live in a more sustainable, healthy, generous way. I'm still very much on this path, and have much to learn, but I can totally tell it is for the best that I am going this way. And anytime someone tries to force my hand, and make me do something out of obligation or guilt, it feels terrible to me, and I've learned to say no to it. I know that my choices are my own. Openly and in freedom. What I give comes from my abundance, not from my perceived need or someone elses need (let's face it... ever have a member of the opposite sex come up to you, and you can "smell" desparation all over them? How good does that feel to receive?)

So really... don't suggest that I should HAVE to subsidize this ineffective solution because people NEEEEED it. What they need is something that will actually work. Prevention. Jobs that serve the individual's life path. Moms who don't wear designer clothes, gold jewelry, and designer bags, and pay their grocery bills with foodstamps.

So, can we get off the bandwagon of believing the "other guy" is "evil" or "stupid" or "racist" or "" and talk about something MORE fun and pleasurable? It's WAY better for our health!!!

and... here are my last few thoughts on the subject...

The continuing Saga of S-Factor

2009-05-14T19:39:00.002-04:00

Hi All,

Please feel free to go see this article:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/05/11/DDSF16G9FH.DTL

And, for entertainment, and a mirror into the emotional bias something like S-Factor brings up, take a look at what a San Francisco audience has to say! WOW, a lot of people have issues with something they know nothing about (but think they do!)

of course I had to open my mouth and say something.

And really... the cranky people can stay right where they are... Apparently they ENJOY BEING CRANKY... (and I don't...)

"you can be right or you can be happy"

2009-04-28T10:30:00.004-04:00

aaahhh, there's the rub.

I'm holding up a mirror to myself today. I'm asking the question "why?" and finding answers in the oddest places. The New York Times, of all places. An extension of the "nobody listens until they're ready" discussion.

that all of the fluff and thoughts on "why things happen" and my thoughts on gender and societal bias is pretty much going to stop, on this blog and in general... It doesn't really matter if I bring these discussions up or not, and, even though I've long since stopped being upset about most of it, there's still judgement and opinion threaded through that may not be taken terribly well by the reader...

and really, I can drop all of this. I don't need to be an activist in this way, the fever has run its course...

...the best thing I can do is live a life that is good, joyful, and happy, and handle what is in front of me, not in front of everyone else. ... Living within the context of my life, as it is, and letting go of the fight... I just don't have the energy to take this on anymore!

Each person is responsible for their own life, and, releasing all of this energy back to each person to make their own choices without my opinion is the best thing I can do... For me.

acupuncture, yin, yang, and my fluxing nature...

2009-04-21T18:14:00.003-04:00

I've been receiving acupuncture lately, and am being presently treated for "excess fire in the stomach"... anyone who knows me should not be surprised by this... I'm also on an herbal supplement to bring this excess heat out of my system, and I'm finding that other things have gone with it...

... like my relentless pursuit of actively going after what I believe I want... which, actually, is a good thing.

I've given in on, given up on, something completely, something that I feel would be fantastic for me, that I believe would be good. Something that requires the cooperation, input, effort, collaboration, and leadership of another person. Something I think would be fun to try out, even if it's just for a test drive.

But there are some tricky things in human nature, like another person's choice, that, even when offered Belgian chocolate for free, some people will smell it like you're trying to poison them. Some simply do prefer something else (someone else will have to fill in the blank here... I got nothin). Some others will question why this thing would be valuable at all. Some will only do it if they discovered it themselves. Some will yell at you for offering them something that might cost them something, like their own Hershey status quo security blanket. Some will send you email articles about the terrible conspiracy of Belgian Chocolate makers with the Bilderbergers to ensure Hershey remains lower quality and waxy (I made that up. The conspiracy, clearly, would be with the Swiss chocolate makers. :) ).

In short, my own judgement about, well, anything, is prettymuch not worth much to other people, unless they actually wanted to listen to what I have to say/feel/think to begin with.

The only thing I, or honestly anyone else, can really do, is to follow my own desires, my own bliss, my own judgement... and, at some point, in the unforseen future, when I'm lucky on things, naysayers come back around.... and act like they discovered Belgian Chocolate all by themselves. Which, really, to them, they have, because ya know, the last time that stuff was totally poisonous.

What I've grown to understand is that no matter what I do, other people will follow their own path. And unfortunately, I can't change their minds or hearts.

And so, in the nature of human desire to share, my peers are limited. Peers with whom I'd gladly share a bowl of M&Ms and discuss the mysteries of the belgian chocolate conspiracy, just for the sheer pleasure of their company, if they'd only try the belgian once in a while and not assume I was in on the conspiracy. Instead, i'm having to choose from among the belgian, french, and swiss chocolate fans, and they're somewhat further apart and fewer in number... and trying to figure out who's less closed-minded.

But I once read a book that said once you learn how to properly play tennis, you can't simply go out and hit the ball anywhichway. There is a more effective way to hit a tennis ball, and that does mean your options on how to hold the racket and hit the ball are fewer than for those with less training.

But when we're not talking about tennis or chocolate, its often very hard to tell which person has had more training. Very hard.

But, right now, what I'm getting is that none of this really matters... If there's no game there's no game... and the best I can do is follow my desire to play, and find more suitable friends to play with.

this comment has been postponed until further notice...

2009-04-03T08:35:00.003-04:00

Yes, I most definately have something to say. ooooh yes. Involving the apparent impossibility of avoiding having other people thinking terrible and false things about me and my character, and the negative impact this has had on my life and my perception of myself. But based on today's horoscope:

Friday, Apr 3rd, 2009 -- You won't be able to avoid a confrontation that's right around the corner, yet rushing into it prematurely won't necessarily help. It may be better to let the tension build until it reaches a critical mass on its own. Don't push for resolution today or you might stir up more of a hornet's nest than it's worth. Paradoxically, your intentional avoidance of a troublesome issue can be just as dangerous. Allow feelings to surface naturally without judging any of them as right or wrong.

I think my best bet is to postpone this post. This has come up for me for basically my whole life, and involves several different people pulling this nonsense, so, whats another day or two... its not like they've noticed anyway...

The S... Forget Everything I just Told You

2009-03-30T17:26:00.002-04:00

(Dear Reader: Please Disregard Parts 1, 2, & 3, posted prior to this, as None of them have much to do with S-Factor at all...)

www.sfactor.com

I take S-factor because it is my way, my path, into an amazingly deep, full, rich, present, experience with my own divinity. When I dance at the S-studio, I disappear into the music, and become part of the fabric of an irrepeatable experience.

Sheila Kelley describes S-Factor as "Organic Feminine Movement". That, to me, sums it up completely. Through S-factor, it has become abundantly clear to me (a heterosexual woman) how beautiful the body and movement of women are. These women are my sisters. They are each uniquely gifted with different things, and each of us is having our own beautiful experience, evolving our own dance. We witness each others movement, triumphs, and tears.

I have had no experience more closely aligned with Spirit / God / Universe / Zen than I have inside that studio. I have become Light. I have felt a metal pole become wet clay on the suggestion of my teacher. I have danced raw emotion. I have shed deep tears that had been held in my hip flexors for several lifetimes, while in a meditative "Ruby's Pose", to the song Hallelujah (as sung by Rufus Wainwright).

I danced the grief of Woman (with a capital W) to songs like They Dance Alone (Cueca Solo) by Sting and Three Weeks Shy by Jim Boggia. The centuries of ungrieved loss, that resides in our cellular memories, so easily accessible, and so desirous of expression. I dance my ownpersonal ups & downs, and can feel the voice of my body and appreciate Her as something with her own separate expression from my brain. And good god, is she smart and wise and intuitive.

And yes, if another person could be a "fly on the wall" in this experience... if this could be all the things it is in the sacred space of the room that is the studio, and at the same time performed for a group of observers, I'm quite sure that we would each and all blow the observers away... That anything that the observer thought that they were about to see, would evaporate completely, in the presence of what real, living, moving beauty would be present before them.

I once had was graced to coreograph and perform an S-Factor routine for a group of women, as a performance... And the thing is... the coreography was almost entirely improvised, but I created a structure inside which that improvisation could happen... We made the audience cry with the beauty of us. and... quite a few of us were above a size 8.

When S-factor classmates go out for a drink, you will see a variety of ages, sizes, and races, all sitting together, being women. It does not escape me at all that this experience is precisely what would move international relations... if heads of state all took an S-factor session together. As it is, it's so irrelevant that we're "different". the language of dance and of being a woman transcends anything we think we are.

And yes, we are beautiful when we dance, our experience of our own beauty and strength, joy and grief, will turn you on, will mesmorise you, make you scream, sigh, laugh, cheer, and cry... but that's because we are experiencing and dancing raw juicy life.

So, before you dismiss your friend / daughter / sister / wife / colleague for this "thing" she does that you don't understand... Consider that she is quite possibly experiencing grace itself... all under the umbrella of something that some fools may write off as a profane waste of time... consider yourself very blessed to know her. And even moreso if she allows you the privelege of seeing her sacredness.

The S... Part 3

2009-03-30T13:07:00.011-04:00

Have I blown your mind yet? Have your paradigms been shattered to bits yet?

Guess what kiddies... if you have ANY negativity about SFactor, especially if you know nothing about it, you are living in a totally outdated paradigm, from my perspective.

I mean really, consider this, SFactor charges $480 for a class that goes on for 8 weeks. Why are women like me paying for this class? What is the value in it, if it is all the nasty, raunchy, base things you heretofore have believed?

how about this... have you ever seen a kid, boy or girl, running in circles with one arm on a subway pole or a railing? WHEEEEEEEEE!! what fun!!!!! (when was the last time you had as much fun as that kid?)

this post is pending... this is the good stuff. but I gotta work...

Oh, and by the way, for anyone who's already here, ya know, gets it, please understand that these posts are for all those people who need to be caught up to what reality looks like to me. Sort of like I was listing the assumptions before I begin a scientific experiment. I haven't even yet gotten to what I wanted to say, at all... but then again, the people who actually need to "get it", and who "don't understand why I do SFactor to begin with", need to be brought up to what reality looks like to me.... otherwise, why would I even be discussing this question at all?

come back later and read more (i am such a tease...)

(P.S.S.,this is why its so hard for me to have normal and effortless conversations... I have to "unpack" and list all the assumptions upfront, because a lot of people aren't living under the same set of assumptions and definitions I am... 3 blog posts of disassembling other people's assumptions to bridge where-they-are to where-i-am before I get to the meat of the topic, what I wanted to say to begin with.)

Explaining the S... Part 2... Societal Bias

2009-03-30T12:25:00.007-04:00

(and for those of you "out there" who are a little slow, I'm simply going to refer you back to this post, a year or two from now, when I haven't quit, and you still "don't get it")

S-Factor, more than anything else is a moving meditation, closer kin to taichi than to a strip club. Yes I'm serious.

And... here's a really long way to get to where this gets explained.

See... here's the thing... we do live in what evolved as a "patriarchal" society. That's just what it is, and I don't think we can change the past. And I'm not bringing this up because I'm angry or upset about it (and I'm sure someone out there is going to bring up the word "feminazi" simply because it is SO SCARY that there might BE another, different point of view... a variation on the paradigm you've been living in, ohhh... for about 5000 years... and if you want to know who you are (proof that you are living in that old paradigm): right about now your eyes are glossing over...on the other hand, if you're getting pissed off at me saying this, there is hope for you, you're going to wake up sooner...).

If you're looking for the proof of the patriarchal nature of western society, that would be a whole 'nuther blog post (or twenty) and a bunch of books that I'd hand you to read. Suffice it to say, the 'gender-neutral' in pronouns, and in the gender of an infinite being, aka "God" (which therefore has no gender unless it has both genders...) is male. If you want to take up this discussion with me, ask for another post. Next...

As a result of this societal earth-is-flat bias (sort of a social determinism...or an experimenter's bias... something from a basic chemistry class comes to mind here... as do Schroedinger and Heisenberg (and then I start thinking that really its no accident the faith healer Bruno Groening was around at the same time...and was German...as when the quantum physics - thang was going on... but I very much digress...) ) the body of a woman, her natural-born gifts of curves, curls, wiggles, and giggles, is basically seen as profane. Without even trying to attract or seduce. A 4-year-old-girl is asked to "cover up" her top (no different than the boys tops at that point) at a public pool because some grown-ups are uncomfortable... that 4-year-old girl gets the clear message she is Different. Set-apart. the message is, her body isn't good enough. And Why is a woman's body considered profane? because the people who are making the rules are turned on by it (and ya gotta teach 'em young... right? nip that in the bud.). Without her making an effort to do so. The power of a woman's body to turn-on, to attract, is SO powerful... her light has to be covered up under a bushel basket (or a burka)... Because a woman can cause car accidents Just by feeling good about herself and walking down the street.

But I hear men of all ages, "loving fathers", say they are going to lock up their daughters until they are 30. The message is, it's the girl's fault that boys and men respond to her. The sin of Eve, played out all over again. And that somehow, it is "supposed" to be controlled by men. That she, because she is a woman, is never, ever going to be good enough.

The power contained within a woman is seen (by men) as overwhelming and "out of control" unless, that is, someone (a man) is in control of it... News Flash: it is far better to have the woman, and the girl, be in control of her own power.

So here we are, in 2009, and the attitude towards womens bodies is still split. Either you are a whore or you are a virgin. There's little middle ground, unless you are a socially-acceptable mother. And your men want to PROTECT you from other men at all costs. Because, of course THEY know how DANGEROUS men are. So its the daughters who have curfews, get put under burkas,... and end up not owning their own bodies. Not out of their own selves, but out of an overdeveloped FEAR in the bodies and hearts of their men. End up hating themselves, thinking they are ugly (that one was mine for about 30 years...), or destroying themselves through eating disorders to meet an ideal, one that was set up by men.

Women's bodies are not profane. Our curves, our lust for life may bring you to your knees, but that is just who we are. And its a good thing womens bodies are designed to attract too, otherwise you-all would have completely descended into a world filled with detatched non-interaction as you all sit at computers, televisions, comic books, and spreadsheets and books, and forget to go out into the sun and have fun. You'd spend all your days playing XBox and Wii and ordering pizza. Unless you're at war, or a football player. (yes, I'm exaggerating!!!)

what I'm saying is your assumptions about women, about protecting women, about the seductive nature of women, is skewed, by the fact that this culture is built on the belief that God is a man. And therefore, we women-folk, are secondarily derived creatures, simply because we're not men.

In the words of Jessica Rabbit, "I can't help it, its just the way I'm drawn." damn straight, girlie.

Again... your assumptions are skewed. Not completely wrong, but skewed.

and really... how fucked up is it that WOMEN have to be limited and protected because MEN are "dangerous"? Have men grow up and have some self control instead! Duhhh....

(and if you're looking for yet another extreme point on the "acceptability" of this type of behavior by men, consider this: http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2009-04-04-afghanistan-law_N.htm I get the feeling there are going to be a lot of women with "headaches" in Afghanistan!!!)

So...all that brings us to SFactor, as I see it. please page forward to Part 3...

Explaining The S... Part 1... The NOT-Whys

2009-03-30T09:03:00.005-04:00

http://www.sfactor.com/

As some of you may know, I take pole dancing classes.

And, I've found, a lot of you have absolutely no comprehension as to why... and your guesses as to "why" on the matter of these classes seem really, really, bad... and the reason I say this, is because there are a lot of you-all who won't even discuss about it with me, but will make jokes about it in the distance. (Which tells me that you think I'm some kind of bizzare freak or something... )

First, I'm NOT taking pole dancing classes to be "subservient to men" (yes, someone made that comment)... In fact... men aren't even allowed in the studio.

Second, I'm NOT taking pole dancing classes to learn to be seductive to anyone else (seducing myself is another matter entirely)

Third, I'm NOT taking pole dancing as a means of rebelling against an overly-constrictive upbringing.

Fourth, I'm NOT looking for "a second career"

Fifth, I'm not doing this for you, or for anyone else. (I'm doing this for me.)

Sixth, I'm NOT doing this because I'm some kind of freak.

Now that this is all cleared up (and really, if you can think of any other really bad reasons you think I'm taking this class, feel free to send them, so I can tell you, no, that's not the reason either!)

Now... for part 2...

my letter written and sent to the Chief Rabbi of Great Britain, upon completely reading is excellent book

2009-03-03T13:37:00.004-05:00

Dear Sir Sacks,

I was blessed to recently read a copy of The Dignity Of Difference, and I thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated it. I am grateful for your mind, and for your ability to express yourself in a way that truly conveys what the issues are that are important for all of us in an increasingly interrelated world.

I am writing to you from the United States, and am a highly intelligent woman, an engineer, single, heterosexual, raised in a Republican home (now Libertarian in my political views), raised-Roman Catholic but now consider myself as not having a specific religion, because none of them really "fit" me, and I do see truth in all of them.

I would like to share my thoughts with you on a topic directly related to your book. I think that the covenant agreements as they presently exist are to be questioned, revitalized and revised to match the truth of who people are, irrespective of gender or age, and to also to include within the agreements that these covenants are open to revision as individuals grow and develop.

The covenant agreements as they are made today are more often than not made between parties who do not consider themselves equitable. For example, parents create a life based on their own perspectives and "traditions" that may not "fit" the identity of the child, and may create a circumstance where a child grows up with a severe identity crisis because of the parent's own limited world view. Also the contract between man and woman in marriage, the man is seen as the leader under a traditional value system, but that the "male breadwinner"/"female caregiver" role has largely disintegrated, and frankly, the woman may be more capable as the economics of industry has turned away from muscle-based labor as its driving forces. Personally the thought of being cherished and treated as a more traditional woman by a man who is more capable in the world than I am is a very welcome idea, but, given my God-given talents and the service I offer to my professional clients, I suspect the relationship I will create with my man may involve aspects which may be somewhat less "traditional".

It has been my observation that the preservation of the dignity of difference of which you speak exists not only between cultures, but between the genders within one culture as well. The role of women in all of the major religious and non-religious cultures in this world is subjected to the subjugation of their opinions and beliefs based on gender. When reading your book, I kept seeing reflected that "every woman is like a jew"... a group of people that is different but lives in direct relationship to all cultures on the planet. And intelligent women of history who carried the culture of women have been condemned as witches and killed for the fear of their wisdom. Women, in recent historically have also been set against one another most often as competitors rather than having a shared culture, and our culturally approved identity absorbed by the dominant (male) culture in which we live... and the "carrot" of what "should" be our "goals" as women (as established by the media, in the absence of an alternate view) set so far out as to be frustrating and unachievable... In short, there is presently no equivalent state of Israel for women, and no Torah, either in virtual-space or physical.

It is clear to me that the issues of women and of real gender equity is essential and inseparable to the global cultural dialogue of which you speak! I completely agree with you that a more localized perspective, and a respect for the role of religion, faith, and family play in the development of personal identity, however, when the sub-set of woman in all cultures is still consistently treated as a minority party of each culture, the dialogue between varying cultures will continue to be contentious. Women are a subset of all cultural groups, and sometimes a majority in population, and yet, all over this world women are bullyied, beheaded, and belittled in the interest of keeping a "culture" to its "fundamental" or "religious" perspectives.

For example, men are chosen as world leaders, but can't leave their house without their wife's assistance at matching their socks... And yet when a woman offers her qualified opinion to her man on work or financial matters, he will often reject it or ignore it or feel like she's not treating him "like a man". But consider this -- how well are men doing with the job of leading nations? Might not a woman's hand in things be of great assistance?

I've often seen this in my work as a lead electrical engineer on projects. Men (particularly older men) who are working on my projects will disregard my comments, but say to me "yes, yes, I reviewed it I'm taking care of it", and persist in doing things "their way" until they hear the very same comment from someone else who is a man, or until I exert my authority a second or third time. I've learned that I must address this without anger, although having my company authorized role and my engineering judgement, ignored and disregarded does feel very personal.

For the past few years, I have been a student of women, men, relationships, and myself, and have reclaimed a more feminine life, after having being raised to think more like a "man" than as a woman. I have forgiven, and continue to forgive, the "traditional" world-view that led me to feel like the identity of who I am was stuffed into a box. The irony is, the part of me that got devalued was the feminine part. I am personally doing the very work of which you talk in your book on a personal level, of forgiving, of remaining open in conversation and moving into my own wholeness.

The only way I personally have been able to come to a sense of centered-ness when dealing with "traditional (male) values (both contractural and covenantial)" was within a group of women that I've found, where we have created our own sub-culture that is focused on the creation of the life each of us individually desires through the spiritual practice of pleasure, receiving, and joy (http://www.mamagenas.com/) and also the art of returning to and honoring the organic feminine movement and shape of living in a woman's body (http://www.sfactor.com/ I'm pleased to say we have classes in the synagogue across the street from the main studio as well!). These groups feel like both a contract and a covenant relationship with these women, and it changes and metamorphosizes regularly. It is made up of women of varied cultural backgrounds (although I do have to say there are more liberals than conservatives within these groups!). As a result my consistent associations with other women, I can now look again at the Roman Catholicism I was raised with and recognize more of its gifts, and not lose my identity in the process.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I truly enjoyed your book, and will be looking up your work online to read more of it. I truly would love to read your own perspective on the role of women as it relates to and is in parallel to and integral with this cultural identity evolution we are going through... And I suspect it will be women who are most involved in creating this conversation, because we've been dealing with these issues for the whole of our lives when dealing with the cultures of men, as it is also women whose wills are subjugated by force in the interest of fundamentalism and the preservation of a so-called "culture". The evolution of culture and the Dignity of Difference which you speak will be best accomplished when men and women can appreciate and value this within their own homes, with individuals we sleep under the same roof with, in conjunction with the mutual understanding and giving value to vastly different cultures from our own.

people do what people do...

2009-02-26T12:56:00.005-05:00

Hangers.

Wire hangers from the dry cleaner...
wooden hangers from someplace expensive...
nice plastic/metal hangers from a department store that came with the suit...
plastic hangers purchased in bunches from kmart...
lingere hangers with poofy satin...

they all do the same thing, but, in my opinion, some are nicer than others!
and some more appropriate than others for hanging up coats.

there's a closet at my office where coats can be hung up if desired. Inside, there was about a dozen cheapie beat up wire hangers from somebody's dry cleaning, and a couple of nice hangers.

I felt a bit guilty when I took up a nice hanger, thinking it was like a guest hanger or something... but it didn't stop me from doing it.

So, as I have an excess of totally reasonable plastic hangers at home (and a few department store hangers) I donated a few to my office closet a few months ago. Now, there are plenty of sturdy hangers to put a midwinter coat on. I thought that at some point someone would pitch the cheapie wire hangers, as clearly, the hangers have been upgraded.

Know what?

there are people still using... Choosing of their own free will, the less sturdy, less pretty wire hangers... with nice sturdy plastic hangers sitting right nearby and empty, and the guest hangers sometimes empty, sometimes full, like "employee of the month" parking spots at a company.

I find this funny, and very educational. I don't know why people pick the wire hanger, and its possible they're not even thinking about it, but they've been using a wire hanger for 52 years (dammit) and they're not going to upgrade because, bygosh, the wire hanger was good enough before and its good enough now.

but you can't really suggest that they switch to a different hanger without bearing resemblance to Joan Crawford. So, its best to leave it as it is.

(besides, as I've found out both as the receiver of unwanted suggestions, and the giver of unwanted suggestions... the receiver can be quite often insulted that you think they arent already making the best available choice... or can feel like the giver is telling the receiver what to do, when they're just suggesting an alternative... and for a stupid wire hanger it's really not worth the trouble!)

Please feel free to take this as a metaphor for any habit -- a joyless life, talking about cranky things you have no control over (like the people who send you cranky emails, or who use cheapie hangers when better ones are available), or... happyness and abundance.

Of course if you really do want the wire hanger (and why not, you picked it...) who am I to say its wrong?

This is Great...

2009-02-23T17:20:00.002-05:00

Someone's gotten it. My goddess, someone's really gotten it.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,490690,00.html

http://www.thepinkchaddicampaign.blogspot.com/

I am at the feet of these women... this is so perfect.

an act of organized uber-fluffy, uber-girlie revolutionariness to protest against a violent act against women.

I am doing a happydance right now for this!

Have to get this out of my system...

2009-02-17T09:42:00.007-05:00

Do you remember those little girls in elementary school who would tease, pick on, and gossip and spread lies about other little girls so that they'd somehow be "more popular"?

well, somehow these bitchy whiney little girls have grown up to be old cranky right-wing men. I get more spam and lie-ridden emails from republicans than I do from democrats. And I go back and do my best to fact-check them all (which is a total waste of my time, because, true or false, these emails don't add anything to my life but aggrevation). I go on http://www.snopes.com/ to root it out, but today I've just about had enough.

(if you're interested, the latest email is the one where ollie north tells everyone during the iran contra hearings that he installed a 60K home security system to protect his family against osama bin laden)

Do they do it to get attention? are they pissed that their candidate didn't win the election? are they grumpy about the bailout?

yes, probably.

but if you were a grown-up, and you were a parent or teacher to one of those little girls, what would you think?

and really. Does it make a person's case look better or worse for sending emails that are filled with lies? Such nice church-going folk. Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor. Go back to sunday school, you need a refresher.

(P.S... I got a response from the spamming nutjob who is parading as a sane, rational person... in a pitiful attempt at his own self-defense, he points out that snopes.com (with all of its footnoting and fact checking) could be false too. Yes dumba$$, that would be my point to begin with. Why did you send out the inflammatory and false email IN THE FIRST PLACE. See, there really is no need for a vast left-wing conspiracy... fearful right-wingers are doing a damn good job at making themselves look totally irrelevant and careless and the-sky-is-falling.)

P.P.S.... and then, she hears about a (muslim) man in Buffalo New York who has been charged with beheading his wife (who had filed for divorce.. and indicated domestic violence). And thinks that the statement of the obvious dangers of self-serving stupidity cannot be underlined any further than in this news story. I rest my case.

Survival Skills during the Financial Storm…

2009-02-11T12:17:00.004-05:00

Here are my list of ideas of maintaining my sanity and my sense of living a life of abundance, which, in particular, are coming in handy during the recent seeming unpleasantness of the financial whirlwind we-all are finding ourselves in…

First, I have to say that I don't think that we're going to come out of this the same as we went into it. I think that we've gotten a HUMUNGOUS wake-up call that the end of the era of the "Conqueror" and "World Superpowers" is upon us. The world is Way too interconnected to think that you can one-up your neighbor anymore, without consequences to yourself. I think the best thing to do is get used to knowing that our whole life is fundamentally changing for the better. And we are, right now, in the birth pains of this transition.

Feel free to respond with your own ideas...

1. Enjoy things that are Priceless…

Invite friends over for a potluck dinner and board games night.
Pet your animal and give it a really good brushing.
Babysit your friends kids (or your own) for free.
Take a bath.
Slow dance your love in your living room.

2. Take advantage of having a network of friends…
Learn something new that’s on your “to do” list… and swap skills rather than pay for them. There’s even a website devoted to this: http://www.skillbound.com/ where you can extend your network to take this on. Brilliant.
Trade time with your friends – “Babysit” each other if you have difficulty getting motivated doing things like, de-cluttering. It’s easier to make decisions on things you don’t have an emotional attachment to.

3. Focus on what you HAVE that is GOOD.

Spend as little time as is possible focusing on the “Problems”… whether its fear, or lack, or whatever it might be. Focusing on the “problems” merely amplifies them, according to the “Law of Attraction” – It’s the old “punchbuggy” game you played on the bus with your friends going to school.. You’ll see VW bugs EVERYWHERE for the next few days after playing this game. Stop reading the news that tells you about all the terrible things happening to other people. Really… AND DON’T SHARE THESE NEGATIVE THINGS WITH ME. I already know about them if they're all over the news. People can be awful. I’ll deal with it if it happens to me. If its not funny, don’t tell me about it.

4. Be Generous.

If your friends are in a place of real need, extend a helping hand where you can… Not so much that you put yourself into a sinkhole, but give from what you have in abundance.

Donate your time to a worthy cause if you find you have more time than you did a few months ago.

Meditate and pray for your loved ones, your friends, and your foes. We really are all in this together.

5. Be Smart, Creative, Flexible

The "problems" cannot be solved by thinking of solutions in the same place we were when we created them. Everybody hears that and knows that, but we've entered a place where a lot of people are truly panicking and sad and forgot that anyone ever said that. Think of how you can learn from this. Take a thorough and calm eye to your life and what you've accumulated and ask what you can do differently, right now.

Do you need cable and internet at home? What about the gym membership? What routine expenses can you let go of? Can you take in a boarder or roommate? Can you reduce the temperature on your water heater just a bit?

6. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

Really. This is not the time to be a hoarder. If you have something you're not using (like 3 lifetimes supplies of paperclips), give it up as an offering to the Gods of Chaos that are consuming resources. Secondhand manufactured products are going to be relatively more valuable than they were a little while ago, because money is in shorter supply. Declutter. Sell your books back to Strand (or whoever). Donate what you don't need. Have a tag sale or stoop sale (they are sure to come back in vogue this summer) . Take advantage of freecycle, craigslist, your local flea markets, and your friends. Oh yes, and declutter emotionally too! Release and forgive all your ex-boy/girl friends, your 7th grade teacher, and that bully who used to step on your shoes. Give it up. It's over. We are surrounded by STUFF. Most of which we don't really enjoy very much. Get organized, bit by little bit if necessary.

Oh yes. and its a good time to learn to say NO to any events or obligations or activities or conversations you don't enjoy. Declutter that stuff too.

AND... act locally, think globally. Buying locally manufactured products & foods and keeping things out of the waste stream makes a lot of sense now. Think about the impact for more than just yourself when you're making choices. And really... take vacations in your own country rather than travelling overseas.

7. Cheap Eats

Lentils are ridiculously cheap and tasty. I suggest boiling brown lentils with whole garlic cloves and dried porcini mushrooms over egg noodles. Buy the cheap cut of chicken and make Coq Au Vin (that's what the recipe was designed for to begin with... the cheap cut of chicken). Enjoy Chef Boyardee with a glass of good wine. Canned tomato soup tastes great with a little polenta stirred into it. Make beef stew. Break out the recipe books and look for ideas. Plant a garden, or make good friends with that person you know who will have way too many zucchini and tomatoes come spring.

8. If you have the money and honestly want something, or want to do something, don't be afraid to spend.

Well, stimulating the economy is a good idea, isn't it? If you have the coin, there is a sale going on right now on ____(fill in the blank)_____) This state of being won't go on forever, you know.

9. Seek out whatever you can to find pleasure in the circumstances you find yourself in. If you can't find joy, pick the best feeling that you can feel right now... Even if that means something closer to sadness... and then from there, do it again. Like climbing up a hill, one step at a time.

10. When all else fails -- Laugh. You don't have control of any of what's going on, and nobody else does either.

P.S... I know some of you out there are going to think I'm living inside a happy delusional pink bubble. I'm OK with that. You can think that. (P.S. Bubbles float.) Maybe its because I used to spend WAY too much time panicking and worrying about a lot of things, and have found out it was a lousy way to live... and generally panicking made me less able to have a positive, lasting impact on my surroundings. I'll take my happy bubble, thanks... So glad you're doing all the worrying so I don't have to...

That's it, I've cracked...

2009-01-26T16:54:00.004-05:00

Yes, its true.

Something inside me looked around at the artificial deadlines, the racing towards... towards what, exactly???

...and popped.

And I think it might be permanent.

The way we "do things" doesn't work anymore. No, Really. Think about it. We're carrying baggage from a lot of old "ways of doing stuff" that just simply isn't a good fit to where we are right now...

I had an old college mate ask me if we really do still print mylars / use paper when we send out drawings. We do. We kill trees. And we really do fight with MYLAR sometimes. But that's mostly for government agencies.

Alternate? One of my colleagues just received a memory key in the mail with an entire catalog of manholes on it. Not a paper brick that can fall off a cube divider and kill someone with ninja papercuts and a blunt hit to the skull.... A memory key. Mailed with a regular stamp (whatsit now, $0.41?)

My first computer didn't have a hard drive. My first PC, hand-assembled by my dad and my cousin, had less than 3% of the storage capacity than on a standard CD-R disc, available at any CVS drugstore for a couple of bucks...maybe.... in a multi-pack.

When I was in middle school, my english teacher wouldn't let me use my PC (that's personal computer) to word-process and print out my essays, because it gave me an "unfair advantage over the other kids". In my one act of rebellion in all of my then-years, I typed and word processed my papers and wrote them out longhand. Go ahead Mrs. Miller, take my grade back. I dare ya.

When I was graduating from high school, one of my honor-roll classmates asked for my recommendation if she should get a PC or a word processor as a gift from her parents for college. I said a PC, and that it was much more useful. She asked for a word processor. To this day I don't know why.

When I was in college the web had just started becoming something worth considering, and email had become common, at least for us. That same word-processing friend indicated a bit of dismay at my tackyness when I did a "form letter" to my non-emailing friends as an update to them all on what I was doing with myself, mailing out copies to them all (at $0.29 I think) because they didn't have email in college. I was also editing video using an analog dubbing deck system, after recording it on VHS tape (SVHS if I was very very lucky). And in my senior year I purchased at great expense something called a "floptical" or something like that, to store larger quantities of data on what was basically a rewriteable CD.

I'm 35 years old and having the "when I was your age" conversations with people who are 28. Seriously, what is With THAT???

People used to send each other love letters. In the mail. People used to go check their answering machines at home, and maybe anticipate a fun phonecall from a friend. Now, there's emails, text messages, cell phones, blogs, and social networking sites. And yet, I owe an old friend a phonecall from his call to me early last week, and to sit down and make that call? (Have I done it? noooo... Joe, I will call very soon....) I've taken to sending mass-texts on my phone to invite people out at 6pm to do something at 7pm. (it is new york after all)

"Feeling screwed up at a screwed up time in a screwed up place does not necessarily make you screwed up." (-- Mark Hunter in Pump Up The Volume) I think its time to eat my cereal with a fork and do my homework in the dark.

And still, companies still insist on dragging vendors from picket to post, to call on firms, but not answer questions expediently (or properly), and clients need answers at the speed of light... ON MYLAR. Come on... really... Mylar? Why? get us to send you the PDF file, to scale, and send them digitally hither & yon to your heart's content!

I am nostalgic for my books, but those are heading the way of cassette tapes, mark my words. My dad, ever the futurist (who built the first microwave probably in the whole TOWN, and built the computer, and, and, and...) is now hot on his Kindle.... and still has stacks of old books and magazines.

So, my point is, DeClutter. Declutter your home, and your business practices. There's a lot of dead weight hanging around that really is unneccessary. If it isn't nostalgic to you, by all means, GET RID OF IT. Sell it on Ebay to someone it is nostalgic to. Really, you're going to need the money in your Pay Pal account to upgrade to the next whizbang thing that will come out next year that you didn't even know you needed, but will suddenly become essential.. Hell, my Ipod is already obsolete...

I know what this is, the darwinistic evolution of the species known as technology!

No, actually my point is, life is moving pretty freaking FREAKING fast now, and that doesn't mean we've evolved. Utilize technology, but do it efficiently.

Or maybe my point is to find out who's recycling electronic components and buy stock in their company.

Actually I don't know what my point is.

Nevermind the Environment, It's The Economy, Stupid!

2009-01-06T16:04:00.012-05:00

(somebody has to say it!!)

I'm reminded of the scene in Ang Lee's "Sense and Sensibility" where Col. Brandon marries Marianne Dashwood, and the Coloniel throws gold coins to the cheering mass of well-wishers.

What? I thought this was about the Economy?

Oh yes. It is. Work with me, it's my blog and I can say what I like.

Here we are, as a country, embarking on a new adventure. A brand-new President, all huzzah-ed and popular, and everyone (i'm generalizing) is feeling REALLY GREAT about this brand new world we're stepping into.

...And anticipating the sweet sound of cha-CHING! that happens (just like that scene in Sense and Sensibility) when something Big happens. The brand new new deal. I pronounce thee, Mr. President. Leader of the Free World. Dispenser of Funding for REALLY important projects.

Let me tell you what is probably happening.

All over our fair nation, city, state, and federal agencies are dusting off projects that are "done" and making sure they are "shovel-ready" to propose when the moneybags open. Because when those moneybags open, you'd better be goddamn good and ready to bid that fucker for construction. Because those are the projects that will get funded...if not, the press will have a field-day with "well, we HAVE all this money, why aren't we SPENDING it?" (ala the energy conservation measures Bush promised the last time he was elected) .

Let me let you in on a secret: Projects don't get designed unless somebody somewhere has an idea that they'll be funded. Otherwise, why put pencil to paper (ok mouse to... mousepad) and design something you won't get paid to design?

P.S.? New projects take time to design. A lot. And everybody comments on this stuff. But nobody out in "the real world" sees that time. They just notice when they're stuck in traffic because a construction crew is tearing up roads and scratching their butts.

Which means??? That it is projects that were put on the shelf that are going to be funded. And possibly more-worthy projects who are like the biblical virgins who let their lamps go out will not be chosen when the bridegroom comes through (it doesn't matter HOW long the virgins have had to wait for the bridegroom... that oil had better still be burning).

Nor will the projects be chosen which are being re-done for more energy conservation measures... Why? Because conservation measures cost money, so if it's NOT required and there's no obvious economic benefit, its not going to be designed...SO, these projects aren't sitting around on shelves to be picked. And to go to "green design" paradigm from standard engineering design is like changing from thinking like a man to thinking like a woman. You can't simply flip a switch and it's done. Designing a building as a green building requires a different kind of thinking. A holistic thinking, that, unless that choice to go green is made up-front, long before "shovel-ready", duct-taping green-stuff on later doesn't happen efficiently and doesn't work anywhere the way its supposed to. We're dealing with Frankenstein-green projects...

And because the press doesn't know squat and they love to make politicians look bad, and they will WHINE that "Nothing's being done!!!" and somehow the general public actually believes them, and the general population doesn't understand that you can't just buy a highway, and an engineering firm pulls it down off the shelf and hands it to the client... Well..it'll be projects that the politicians can be certain will be ready to roll, because politicians want to be elected by the general population who presumably listen to the news (because how Else do you find out what's going on?).

And now, you see what projects are going to be funded. Where does money tossed to the throngs go, exactly??

Did we really need that road?

If it was so important, right now, why didn't we have money for it to begin with?

If we're creating opportunity and more energy efficient design... YOU HAVE TO FUND THE DESIGN, NOT JUST THE CONSTRUCTION. But hell, engineering isn't as sexy as construction. When was the last time you saw engineers on a beefcake calendar?

And still...ya gotta stand with your hands out, ready for that cha-Ching. Because you KNOW it's coming, and you're happy that someone, somewhere, will be kept from being laid off. And you hope it's you.

Where is our brave new world coming from?

Where are we going, peeps?

1/14... PS! Someone else said it too!! Apparently I'm as smart as people who work at think tanks!!!
Commentary: Obama must get infrastructure investment right
http://www.mcclatchydc.com/homepage/story/59659.html

a joyful reminder to put it all in perspective....

2008-12-18T08:56:00.000-05:00

this is a great video...

http://cgi.fark.com/cgi/fark/vidplayer.pl?IDLink=3953635

desires 12.04.08

2008-12-04T17:36:00.003-05:00

I desire...

to see & tour the M42 substation basement inside Grand Central Terminal (yes really).

to have a luscious, delicious make-out session where I lose all sense of time.

To enjoy the holiday season and feel well rested and happy and joyful.

To be slow-danced in my living room.

To learn to ballroom dance and be naturally good at it.

to see Garrison Keillor perform live (Prairie Home Companion).

To have a wonderful vacation fully-paid to someplace beautiful with amazing weather with friends.

To have a clean and well organized, vibrant, welcoming home.

To have EMOs!

Warm chocolate chip cookies and a glass of orange juice or cup of tea.

To have a luscious wonderful massage every week.

To make love to classical music.

to be married to the right man for me, and to have a child in the perfect time.

to experience orgasmic birth.

To laugh so hard I nearly pee my pants (but don't pee!)

To have a gorgeous lingerie collection that alllll fits me perfectly (including one of those old-school bed jackets with the fluffy bits on the edges).

To have tea and scones delivered to me in bed!

To experience wonderful gifted surprises!

healthy skin and a vibrant, fit, healthy body.

to release easefully the chemical sensitivity of my goddessly delicate feet

To go snorkeling

To go on a sailboat ride

To be serenaded... repeatedly.

To love the way I look in photographs.

a perfect and warm fur coat (or two)

To have an S-Factor patron who pays for all my s-factor classes, clothes and any other s-related whim I have.

To have my very own S-factor studio room with a squashy chair or two, 2 - 3 poles (for friends!), amazing wood floors and a fantastic sound system.

To have a friend who also happens to be famous, and we're totally normal with each other.

To go on a cross-country road trip by car, staying in great hotels, b&bs, friends homes, campgrounds, and to really love the journey.

To be taken on a date to the Metropolitan Opera.

To see a live performance of Beethovens 9th Symphony that REALLY rocks.

To be deeply, exquisitely loved.

To have a continuingly beautiful relationship with my nieces, particularly with my new soon-to-be goddaughter.

To have my hair brushed.

To receive a facial.

To receive compliments regularly.

To have my deep desires revealed and unfolded to me, and create more desires

To receive flowers gifted to me

To be surprised by the generous brilliance and abundance of the Universe on a daily basis in ways that make me feel happy.

for all the desires I have that havent been written down, to come to me in graceful and perfect ways.

Boob-A-Hedron

2008-11-13T16:49:00.005-05:00

OMG..

What Would Bucky Say???

http://brickswithoutstrawenterprises.blogspot.com/2008/06/i-used-to-be-intellectual.html

this is Way Way Way too amusing not to post!!!!!

(Commentary... now that I've stopped laughing....Read it once you've stopped laughing....and thought about why you've been laughing.....about the baby's face, about the weird funky beautiful strangeness, the creativity... digest it for a moment for yourself.... then read....)

my thoughts....

OK OK OK.. this finally explains it... this... crazy... boob-a-hedron...This is the physical form of The Divine Feminine. THIS is the face of what we might call The Goddess. That "thing" that piece of our sacred divinity that is intellectualized and presented in The DaVinci Code and already dropped back into our cultural subconscious which is asserting itself bit by bit....

SHE is LAUGHTER. JOY. ABUNDANCE. HOME.

and desolation. destruction. nature.

It is utterly incomprehensible if you look straight at it. Yes, I know you're reading, and you are cranky about things you don't understand because you keep trying to stuff divinity.. expansive, explosive, all-consuming, into a BOX and GUESS WHAT....????

SHE COMES BACK AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.

It is pure joy if you don't think, and just feel.

and it isn't about sex and it isn't about boobies. (well not completely... that's like saying an elephant can be described by feeling its tusk)

For 5000 years GOD has been some old guy with his finger pointing down to adam and giving life. Have ya stopped to think about this and what is wrong with that picture? LIFE comes through a FEMALE BODY. OUR EGG CELLS WERE PRESENT IN OUR GRANDMOTHER'S BODY AT THE TIME OUR MOTHER WAS BEING FORMED. Its Magic!!!! It's our heritage, our ancestry, and it is NOT to be given away so lightly to something known as a Male God!

Don't get me wrong at all. I love men. I think men are great. But I think that if everyone read The Chalice And The Blade they'd wake the f* up and recognize that at one point GOD was a SHE, and for darn good reason!

I think the Divine is BOTH masculine and feminine, because simply ITS MORE FUN THAT WAY. I think the Yin / Yang symbol the Taoists has makes TOTAL sense. Light is a particle and a wave. If you can wrap your head around that duality, you might have half a clue about this one, because it isn't an "opposite" the way you think it is... its entirely different.

The "issue" I have is this:

regardless of your political persuasion, Hillary and Sarah BOTH got picked on Why??? well.... why don't you tell me why? because to me, it looks like someone decided that because they are women, because they were formed in the gender that doesn't match the gender of the so-called-god... that because of this we women are incomplete. we're flawed. in the similar way a person of non-white-european-protestant lineage has been considered flawed. Except... this flaw-finding in women is in so many cultures I don't know where it isn't found.

good god, we WOMEN have HUUUGE EMOTIONS. HOLY CRAP THAT'S TERRIBLE. EMOTIONS? FEELINGS? CONNECTIONS TO ANIMALS, OTHER PEOPLE, THE EARTH, PLANTS, EVERYTHING. WRONG WRONG WRONG.
"NO. EVERYTHING WOULD BE OK IF WOMEN WERE MORE LIKE MEN. CONTROLLED THEMSELVES MORE. WERE MORE LINEAR AND LESS CURVY. MORE INTELLECTUAL."

The Nazis told us that if you tell a lie often enough it becomes the truth. Well guess what. Its time for the emperor to remember he ain't wearing britches. for 5000 years he's been naked, and we've let him get away with it. more's the pity for him.

(Men are NOT superior to women. Different, yes, but not superior.)

Yo... dude. who's been running this planet, hmmm????

and ... How's THAT been working for ya? Really?

Where and who, exactly, did these rules that are throwing our economy into inflation and recession coming from, exactly? WHY?

who made the rules that women's genitals, all over the world, are DESTROYED so that they can't feel pleasure? WHY?

who made the rule that women should live out their lives under a BURKA? and WHY?

Who calls woman "whore" and "slut" and "prude"... and why is a man a "stud" when he has these conquests? WHY? What is the word, the negative, demeaning word, for a man who abstains, or the man who takes as much as he can get? WHY?

WHY are ALL the faults of the world dropped on a female... Eve. Lillith. Whore. Witch. Madonna. Pandora. Prude. Bitch. Cunt. Medusa. The Sea. Banchee. Slut. Golddigger. Bimbo. Good Girl. Maneater. Fallen Woman. Feminazi. Shrew. all nasty little tiny veal-crate boxes to categorize Womankind. WHY?

and why, if we actually fit in these cages of words, do men persist in chasing women?

and yet... men bow down and worship even at the body of a woman. her physical form, having not known who she Really is on the inside. WHY?

nude sculpture and painting is more woman's bodies than men's. ... and .... the men are doing the painting and sculpting. WHY?

men throw away fortunes at nudie bars and strip clubs. WHY?

I don't have to wonder if the Kurgan Hypothesis was true or not in the expansion of culture through Old Europe. What I see around me TODAY is a culture that is OUT OF BALANCE and Aquisitive in a way that far exceeds actual use.

and what I know, from my own study, and my own Personal observation, is that it is time to bring back into flower the Feminine force of Divinity.

And... she's coming back anyway.... A long time ago She was turned into the "Dark Side" and was labeled the Devil, and the truths and wisdom and healing She offered "destroyed" over & over again...

because She is so powerful she is deeply Feared. She cannot be controlled. She can be contained for a time, and she will, in her own way, like water through rock, reassert herself. No matter what you do. No matter what name you call her by, or don't call her by, she returns. And she is ALL consuming.

And really... wouldn't it be better if you welcomed Her back? How do you THINK she is going to respond to You if you've been keeping her in a cage to try to control her? Nature revolts at control. Side effects in pharmaceuticals, anyone? How about depression? Addiction? Cholesterol?

This isn't about being angry any more for me... so don't mistake my exuberance for anger.

it once was about anger... because there was something that nobody explained to me until rather recently. Men don't hear women who are angry, they just hear noise. I have years of experience in this territory. Anything that I had to say, and I had a LOT to say, got buried under the emotions... and discarded by the listener, typically a man. Which had the reaction of making me more angry, and them more disconnected and judgemental. You can see where this got me. It didn't matter if I had something to say if the person couldn't hear it. This was very different for me because I could hear both the emotion and the thought coming in together from another person. And I thought everyone had the expanded listening & hearing range that I did. Its like a person who can see color assuming everyone else can, and being totally confused by everyone else seeing in grayscale. His circuits simply got overloaded when mine were singing out loud.

Maybe its because men have fewer genes than women do on that Y chromosome.

I don't know Y. What I DO know is that to ask any woman to kneel at the feet of a Godhead whose image She was NOT made from... well... that's just stupid.

One last moment:

Mother Earth...female, right??

Sol (the sun) is male, right???

guess what's at the center of the milky way galaxy?

a big black hole.

think about it.

.

Harlem, New York City, 11/4/2008

2008-11-04T12:49:00.004-05:00

I woke up this morning early, intending to cast my vote, and get to work on time.

I was inaccurate on one thing.... that I'd be getting to work on time!

The line at my polling location snaked back, forth, back, forth, back, forth, back, forth, back, forth, back, forth... at least that much... in the gymnasium almost always previously vacant on election days. My district's line was apparently the longest, and I waited for TWO HOURS to cast my vote. The line was no shorter when I got out of it than when I got into it.

I felt a lump of pride in my throat. That people, in droves, of a variety of colors, religions, and sexual orientations, are participating in droves in this Presidential Election. That this election, however it turns out, reflects more of the diversity of the country than prior elections. The candidates represent at least 3 classes of people who have experienced discrimination (oh, wait, McCain gets 2 for his vietnam veteran status and his age) in our country's history.

My prayer, is that for the eventual victor in this race, that they are truly listening to what is really happening. The ears and eyes of the nation are on this contest more than ever before, and on what the outcomes of this contest can be. My hope is that the population will continue to be fully engaged in government and politics, and that, in the words of a quote I am so grateful was passed on to me today:
“I have to come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians” – Charles De Gaulle

My desire is that we all collectively get past the snarky emails and fear-mongering commentary, and, going forward, begin to stick to the actual issues. That this is the beginning of an increase in consciousness of our society, that, Yes, each one of us does matter, and that it is our individual responsibility to behave and lead, exactly where we are, from our personal and well-thought and well-felt ideals. That we get past our fears and hurts, and come into a place of communication and healing. That leadership is not based in gender, race, age, creed, money, or beauty. That leadership comes from each one of us, choosing what we know is right for our own self, and for knowing that others will have differing opinions, and that all perspectives are required.

I fully expect that moments of disappointment will soon come. That the realization that your candidate is human, or that the other candidate was selected in stead, will reinforce that we are each responsible for, as Ghandi said, becoming the change we wish to see. It is therefore nearly irrelevant who is in the Presidential seat if that does not happen, and it is nearly irrelevant if that does happen as well.

That the consciousness of each of us exceeds and defines the consciousness of the society, and its direction. That the old conventions only stand by and with our permission. We elect a President by our collective permission. This does not relieve us of the responsibility of our participation, going forward from today.

It is up to each of us and it always was. Be the Change.

.

My Choice. My Voice. My Vote.

2008-11-03T17:14:00.003-05:00

I have settled on my vote for tomorrow.

I will be writing in the candidate for United States President who I believe would have been, and who may be the best person for the job. I am taking the stand I wish to take. That the candidate who I watched with interest in the primaries who handled herself as a person who I believe was well informed about the issues, and who I believe was dismissed for reasons that had less to do with politics... at least no politics that were above the skirt. And as I watched all of this unfold, and recognized that I was truly warming to a candidate who I can't say I really liked in past years in general... "That candidate has something. Means something. To me."

After this candidate stepped aside, that I listened to all of the discussions that occurred when I, an undecided, put one foot to the left, heard all the noise from the right; and when I put one foot to the right, heard all the noise from the left, of why the other party's candidate had no business in the Presidential seat. Ok fellas, I'm agreeing with ALL of you... and I am voting for someone else.

I am no longer listening to the people who say "you're throwing your vote away unless you vote for brand x or brand y". Actually, you only believe that because you want me to vote for brand x or brand y. I am done with your rhetoric. My vote is only thrown away when I vote for someone other than who I think is the best person for the job.

I have voted for minor candidates before, being, in ideology, a Libertarian (the Libertarians, by the way, were the first party to have a woman in the vice-presidential running, and the first woman who received an electoral vote for that role). I desire My vote to be meaningful. There is a voice I want to have that I am taking on in my one vote tomorrow, and it is My own voice.

I am proud that I've found my way here, in perfect time.

ode to my crankyness on ode writing

2008-10-27T08:43:00.004-04:00

An Ode To My Crankyness On Ode Writing
having not written odes on Thighs, Wrists, Ovaries & Uterus, Breasts, and Lips.
first typed draft 10/26/08
(to be read aloud)

Viva La Resistance!
The keyboard stands empty
as unexpressed
My Lips, My Breasts,
My Thighs, My Wrists,
My Ovaries and Uterus
Their beauties in ode
repressed.

No! Say I
and No! again, No More!
Shall I dissect the sum of me
Subdivided in unliving soliloquy
For the whole is more
than that which stands alone.
For what are lips without
wrists to kiss or breasts to suck upon?
And where thighs meet
and pussyfeet to
uterus hidden throne?

Shall these sisters be
individual adorned
When apart they do not live?The same blood course
The same fate cast
the same reign shall I give!

Solomon got the whole thing write
When in his Song of Songs
He calls each piece
within her place
adorning each
with special grace
and then he trails... along...

My ostentations breast cry out,
"Nay! I want my ode!"
"Tell all the world of The Great Ta-Tas
and titties that you hold!"
Rebellious creatures. Noisy wits.
More attention do you cry?
"Yes!" she says and "Yes!" she too
"You know damn well we do!"

Dare I ask you, little wrists
your opinion on the sum?"Well" with breathy soft exhale
"Essential essence in S is yours
expression sine qua non sinuosity...
Darling, where would you be without usss?"

I bow my head, surrendering,
Neck giggles, knows
her time will come...
my lips just smile, blow me a kiss,
and say, "now, wasn't that just fun?"
"write the odes my little brain
let ego choose its part
for pleasure lays in Our embrace
so worship from the heart."

The souls of creation say "we are well pleased"Bodily manifest as ovaries
Uterian orchestration of doing the undone
Spinning worlds in flesh
of magic wells
and speaking through these ancient spells
WRITE! she calls AND WORLDS REPLY
WE WILL SPIN YOUR GOLD FROM BASIC THINGS
AND IN YOUR INKING GRANT YOU WINGS
I AM says She I CREATE.
LOVE YOUR FLESH SAY I.

The thunder from the voice of God passes,
gently, soft into night.
And the quiet pillars saying "Ssh..."
Carry all, bear all, all these parts. These thighs
say "ssh now.."
And I see their nobility
without them speaking a word.

Ode to my anger

2008-10-27T08:43:00.003-04:00

I wandered, aimless,
dressed for sleep and sleepless,
hair unbound and feet bare
unsettled, awake in night.
Searching...

"Embrace the Power of Destruction"
gilt letters carved on a black door.
the air and door, cool to the touch,
I press my hands upon it
and enter.

Circle downward
further downward, on rich, ebony wood.
stairs worn by thousands of footsteps
empty tonight,
save for me.

Sulfur smelling in my nose
a draft of foulness
as I circle
circle
embracing the foulness
my mouth starts to water
my eyes see into the dark.

I am bathed in the fire
oneness in the dark and heat
I seethe, I feel, I ache, I scream
my skin and flesh enraged as I hear
all my children
all my mothers
all my Selves
shrieking in the terrors greeting us all
I feed upon the pain
I am engulfed and destroyed
growing strong in wanton bloodlust
immortal and unbound...

I am Queen of Hell

I am loosed upon the earth.

Holy Terror, Waking Madness, Pure Desolation,
I rip the ground, I set fire to your sky
All you who ever tried to abandon
the Truth
of that which is Dark.

I rip the throat out of the lie you tell yourself
I gut you and feed your belly to the fire
I tear down your edifice. your persona.
I will never Never leave you at peace
you will make your amends to me
cry for mercy
and still... I shall come for you.

I am your mother.
In darkness you were formed and fed off of my body
you shall return to me.

I am your sister.
raped by life and ignorance, and left a living shell
encasing the small unquenched flame of fury

I am your insatiable child
the hunger that screams at night for more
the deep well of shrieking silence

I am myself.
My body... containing the black and unknowable void
the unassailable vaccuum and the life giving furnace.

I am reborn.

I wake...
daybright and lucid
hair unbound and feet bare
my hand on my belly
wiser now for all that is and has been unmade.
all that is mine.
I am Queen of Heaven.

The Undecided Voter

2008-10-07T17:35:00.004-04:00

I am

the undecided voter.

I have PLENTY of people telling me why I should vote for, and not vote for, and why, why, why...

Apparently neither John McCain nor Barack Obama are fit to be in office for a variety of reasons. Just ask the supporters of Barack Obama and John McCain.

McCain is charged with all kinds of stuff (sample):
http://www.rollingstone.com/news/coverstory/make_believe_maverick_the_real_john_mccain

Barack Obama is charged with all kinds of stuff (sample): http://www.breitbart.tv/?p=190343

anybody got any ideas on how to determine, and discern the actual truth?

They're Ripping Up Wall Street

2008-09-29T12:29:00.003-04:00

Wall Street (from Broad to Williams) and Broad Street (in front of the Exchange), are currently under construction. Literally.

I cannot but wonder of & at the feng shui / metaphysical / metaphorical implications of this. I'm sure part of the project is for security measures as they've been doing in this neighborhood for some time, but it looks like infrastructure (piping and conduit and such) is being handled or replaced at the same time... foot traffic (energy flow) is being hampered through the streets leading to/from the exchange's front door.

What happens when you relocate a plant or drop a pair of shoes in the entrance hallway? you bump into it or trip over it... why wouldn't energy (chi) do the same with this???

Desires 9.26.08

2008-09-26T13:13:00.001-04:00

I desire a fantastic umbrella Compact, pretty (like my Parisian tourist umbrella), and very able to handle the wind gusts on NYC and Paris streets!
I desire really great galoshes!I desire to swim with dolphins!
I desire a silver engraved nameplate with black lettering for my cubicle (I already have the holder) 8"x2"x0.0625"I desire to go snorkeling during an adventure on an amazing sailboat in the carribean
I desire to become completely fluent in French.
I desire to cruise the Greek Isles!
I desire to be treated to dinner at Chez Napoleon, and have a fantastic conversation with the Chef Grand-mere!
I desire to wrap my Beloved around my finger!
I desire to be treated to dinner at Candle 79! Complete with all courses, including, especially what weve nicknamed the "chocolate orgasm cake"
I desire a really sweet ride a limousine, or Rolls Royce, or a Jaguar, or a great convertible, to provide transportation to and from my home and hotel for the Professional Engineering (PE) exam.
I desire next year to take the PE exam once and pass it, becoming a P.E., and having my very own seal!
I desire this year to take the LEED (Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design) exam once and pass it, becoming a LEED Accredited Professional!
I desire great new hair accessories, especially the big metal hair pins with the jewels on top.
I desire diamonds!
I desire the gift of a new juicy IPod with a huge capacity.
I desire everything else I require for Movie Nights, including a new table for the new TV and a new rack for my components (mission-style with honey-oak finish), to be delivered to my apartment effortlessly!

Consciousness

2008-09-24T12:20:00.003-04:00

I was just reading an article about what happens when we die / out-of-body experiences and, I just have to say YES.

The Newtonian framework of Universe is melting away... except, quite literally and three-dimensionally, a figment of our collective imagination. Quantum Physics, the Zero-point field, whateveryouwanttocallit... GUESS WHAT KIDS??? This shit is real.

"Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven." -- Jesus (via Matt 18:18)

"Is it not written in your law, 'I said, "You are gods"'? -- Jesus (via John 10:34)

(they killed this guy, Jesus, because HE FIGURED THIS OUT. I'm not meaning to turn the faith of anyone, because ALL faiths by whatever name have their saints that have done so-called miracles.)

Seriously. I mean it, and I live it. And it takes a change in mindset that is honestly not easy (for me) to truly experience this. and there's a lot of tripping and falling and "what am I doing" that comes with this adventure...

and while most of the planet still "believes" in a 3-d reality... its kind of a greased pig to try to "prove" it to a skeptic. But has anyone Not had an experience that was just simply "unexplainable"? But its kind of funny to me that, if you accept that consciousness affects your reality, that you have to accept that a skeptic creates their own reality as well... So, Duh. Of course you can't prove it.

I have a friend of mine that lives this, and has referred to himself as "Murphy's Illegitimate Child"... he has more things 'happen' to him when he travels than the average traveller. It gives him great stories to tell, and he does look on the bright side of the tale, because he usually gets all kinds of freebies and upgrades. It's his choice to have this kind of travel experience. (It isn't mine...)

Your beliefs, which are thoughts tied up with feelings and repetition, are what are controlling your world. Change your feelings. Pick the best feeling you can feel right now. Repeat as needed. Be gentle with yourself, as it takes effort to change this. Pick a delicious mantra and repeat it, repeat it, repeat it... You're already creating your reality. Wanna pick something new? Better? Happier? JUST DO IT.

Does anyone out there Not know that there's a whole LOT of empty space in the object we call a "table" between the protons and electrons? Think about it... there's a lot more empty space than there are filled spaces... But its good that we believe that tables are solid, otherwise we'd be eating dinner on the... nevermind... no need to disassemble earth too... or ourselves...

The world is not what it appears to be. Your consciousness directly affects your experiences in ways that explains synchronicity, esp, remote viewing, shamanism, healing with prayer, and the law of attraction... and so very much more.

And? When you look at things like the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle... science already gets this. Don't go to psychics unless you feel like changing the outcome. "The more you tighten your grip, Vader, the more star systems will slip through your fingers." -- Princess Leia. Smart girl. We all are our own Darth Vaders... Watch Star Wars (All 6 episodes) and pay attention to Anakin. What Yoda says to him about detatchment. About his choices. It's all the same thing, kids.

Science and Philosophy / Faith / Metaphysics are NOT that far apart (i hesitate to say that they are different, really, at all). And they're still both "maps" of a territory that we can't completely wrap words around, no matter how much we try to.

Pick a flower, shake a star.

Woo woo!!!!!

Six Quirky Things About Me

2008-09-22T12:53:00.003-04:00

OK, so Catie "tagged" me to do this, only, I don't follow enough blogs to tag anybody (and they pretty much all know Catie...) so, here goes:

1. I like guys who have interesting noses. Always have. There's something so appealing about an interesting nose! And usually I don't realize he had me at the nose, but then afterwards I look and think. "Nose. Nice nose." And I've been told I have a perfect nose, that should be in a nose gallery for use in sculptures.

2. I look at words and start to think "Is that how its really spelled?" like my brain slows down and re-reads a word letter by letter and wonders who decided to spell it that way and why.

3. I can find spelling errors on a technical drawing without reading the page, at all. I can smell spelling mistakes like a fart in a car. My eyes fuzz and I can take in the whole page and zero in on mistakes. Except when I get stuck in quirky item #2.

4. I constantly have things going on in my head. I function better when I have two active tasks (one can be listening to music) because the hampster running around in my head has something to dance to, and won't go off looking for something else to do. If not, I think something else in queue #2, and forget, completely, what I was doing in queue #1 and why it was important. I'll stand next to my dining table, after coming from my bedroom, and have NO IDEA why I'm there. And that's not a long walk.

5. I talk to trees, and they talk back. (Try it sometime.) They're quite wise, and think we humans ask silly questions... but they like the company, as they're so often ignored by us.

6. I take pole dancing classes. That's not the quirky part. The quirky part is I don't think taking pole dancing classes is all that quirky.

"Mama May I?"

2008-09-19T19:22:00.004-04:00

I'm getting this out of my system...

So, The Queen has chosen that without re-taking her class, I'm not to return to the online community...

and I'm good with that.

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I know I'm in the right place at the right time, I know, thanks to asking for permission, that- guess what- I don't need to ask for permission...

and in the email back to me, the word sisterarchy was used... and I thought, "huh, that's a new one" Matriarchy, Patriarchy, hierarchy, ... ok ... sisterarchy (rather than sororarchy, which just has too many r's in it). And I don't know if this is now a word-part of this organization or not, but I doubt that it was made up by the person sending the email. SO, I did some thinking.

I looked up "hierarchy" on dictionary.com (convenient and excellent website) and found that the roots are "hieros" (sacred) and "archein" (rule and order).... so, now, in sisterarchy someone has coined...a Something... that's supposed to be... well what? One would think that this would be a "rule and order" of "sisters"... hmmm... but the funny thing is... this group is ironically, and supposedly, not about playing by the rules. Its in trusting yourself. Your inner wisdom.

Its about dancing to my own tune. To my own inner order... which, I am doing. Even when that inner order leads me into chaos.

anyway the whole thing seems totally ironic to me. and then to call something that was supposedly boundless a sisterarchy... thereby creating something under Rule and Order. i mean, Yech. It changes NOTHING. All the talk about Revolution... it ain't a revolution unless it really is a revolution... otherwise its just a changing of the guard... and that will get us nowhere.

I am a little cranky because I really wanted this group to be something where change truly occurs. The kind of change that does up-end "how things are done" for the betterment of all... but changing my place within the same-old-same-old is only going to be of use to the individual... the fundamental shift has gone missing in this cauldron. The ingredient of chaos just got left out of the soup.

but, I no longer am looking for the affirmation.

And I'm no longer looking for permission.

So, it really doesn't matter.

(If you are paying attention, consider it a gift from me that I didn't turn in the class' CDs in to ASCAP...I do try to not Be the hand of Fate. let the wheel turn as it will.)

Age?

2008-09-17T17:18:00.003-04:00

When.Did.This.Happen?

???

I'm turning 35 tomorrow.

and, I've always loved my birthday. But I'm just not feeling it today.

At the moment, when I'm feeling like I haven't DONE anything really for myself for my birthday, and am torn between wanting to go hide under a rock for a while and wanting to be surrounded by loving friends.. I...

what is going on???

I'm tired of my email inboxes. Tired of the STUFF I'm surrounded by, tired of the things I want to do and be that I haven't done, and all the things I'm supposed to be doing....

I feel... my age. Like I'm looking at myself and thinking about all of the stupid things that go on from day to day. Of the meetings that when you're done you ask "What, exactly, was that For?"

I feel a deep desire to purge. And I mean without caring whether I get a receipt from the Salvation Army purge. Just get RID of stuff. Oh for a dumpster parked out in front of my house again. Like my life, and the stuff in it, just doesn't fit me anymore, and that its time for it to GO.

Is this an Equinox thing? a birthday thing? a Summer-to-Fall-to-Winter thing? a "someone else is driving me crazy" thing? I HAVE NO IDEA.

but its time. and tomorrow is recycling day. there will be a big-ass pile of magazines out in front of my apartment waiting for pick up.

Women and Courage Conference 9/12 - 9/14 .. my reflections

2008-09-15T17:34:00.006-04:00

from my notes --

Nitric Oxide is the biochemistry of joy, orgasm, and the white light seen at death (...) Joy doesn't mean nothing bad will ever happen(...)feminine energy sucks in and repairs everything around it (...) let yourself be excited. Don't put off your life(...) You are what the Divine wanted to experience. --- Dr. Christiane Northrup

The kind of leadership that nurtures, empowers, protects is the form of leadership that we are going to need going forward (...) how do I foster change without betraying my essential self (...) it is a confusing time and it is okay to be confused (...) allow yourself to be a participant in the evolution of human consciousness and the creation of a new myth (...) the Mamisima --- Elizabeth Lesser

We are the birthers of humanity. --- Queen Afua

The world is separated into facts, but we live most of our lives in our emotions (...) Rewrite the trauma. -- Loung Ung

Wake up from the Trance of Unworthyness (...) we take false refuge in busyness (...) and that everything is really important and I have to make the right decisions (...) find where we blame and come back into our body, agree to what's happening, and bring compassion and wisdom into the next moment(...) allow situations to unravel themselves(...) vengance is a lazy form of grief(...) ---Tara Brach

We do not need to ask for permission(...) with men as editors, museum curators, they act as "gatekeepers", who get to choose what is the best of the best (...) there is a biological difference in what men and women find humorous (different parts of the brain light up) but with a 50% female readership, the New Yorker only has 18% of its editorial cartoons done by women (...) take ownership of accomplishments (...) there is no right way to be a strong woman ---Sarah Peter

The mud, seeds, and worms of an unhappy childhood makes for creativity. I don't want to go to therapy to have that cleaned up (...) (regarding her book, Daughter of Fortune) "she's not looking for adventure she's looking for sex." (...) (on getting through writers block) I had a dream where I put Antonio Banderas on a tortilla, covered him in guacamole and salsa and ate him up. The next night I dreamed of Antonio Banderas in a bowl of rice pudding. The next night my husband suggested therapy. (...) Lust and gluttony are the only deadly sins worth the trouble --- Isabel Allende

How can a person wrap words around an experience? Any experience?

(and what happens when your pen isn't working, and you just can't scribble fast enough???)

This was a rather big experience, in a two day package.

Let me attempt to give you the gesture drawing of it, in words.

This was the Women and Courage conference, held at The Omega Institute in Rhinebeck NY. Omega is a bit like a yoga summer camp for grownups, with food much better than I remember from summer camp (and all vegetarian!).

I signed up on the day before the conference, prodded by my intuition to simply go, uncertain what this was going to be about. I turned over my credit card number for my room, train tickets, and conference, and before I knew it, I found that I was staying in a dorm called Nirvana in a quiet and green place, doing my best to settle my energy and listen and be present to what was around me.

The conference "weavers" called our presence with a drummer named Ubaka Hill, calling us like a town crier, a priestess, at the beginning of each session. There was something so sensible about using a drum, and the beautiful rhythms of it to call people together. Communication through sound that carries deep and far...

I became the unwitting and accidental (serendipitous??) representative "pole dancer" (the only S-Factor student... (Represent! I hear myself think...)) among these women... as Dr. Northrup and her daughters demonstrated hip circles on friday night... and then went elsewhere, not staying for the rest of the conference! I was wearing my S-factor long sleeve t-shirts both days of the conference, and was approached by several women wanting more... asking if the S could be brought to a womens conference in Indiana... another saying that "my hips don't move" and having the opportunity to tell her that is a very common thing with women... sharing how much emotion we keep trapped in our hip joints and how to move, pleasurably, not forcing it, and imagine scraping peanut butter off of the walls of the room... settling into Ruby's Pose... and to let the emotion come when it does... demonstrating more hip circles to an interested woman, and then getting many more questions from others, who were apparently paying attention! ...

During Queen Afua's presentation, we sang (chanted, maybe?) and harmonized the word for "magic word" in an african tongue. The two-hundred (I think it was more!) women present toning the word that was more sound than language, and it truly was magic...

We learned some of the history of feminist art in the U.S... all of which was unknown to me, in a movie presentation by Lynn Hershman Leeson... we laughed at the Target: Women Yogurt Edition (seriously HILARIOUS)... we connected with All Of Us (which will be on Showtime) and made the connection between childhood sexual abuse, promiscuity, lack of education, and incidence of HIV, (which now that I write it... OF COURSE there's a connection)... but then... and here's the kicker... they make the connection of the compromising of women's values and safety in the bedroom... across ALL socioeconomic classes...

What did I see? What did I learn?

That the leaders among women are not always well known.

That the angry feminism attributed as feminism is rapidly disappearing.

And its about time. We have more important things to do.

The voices of women, and of people whose skin doesn't look like mine, and of any underrepresented groups is essential to the fabric of a healthy society.

That these missing pieces in many cases are not necessarily the conscious decisions of exclusion, but that in every aspect where it occurs, it does a serious disservice to the excluded... and... to the included as well.

That these women are as funny, as wise, as self-possessed, as women who don't hold up the card that says, "I am a feminist"... and much of the time, moreso.

That to be a leader, you really Cannot give a s#it what people think of you. This I saw more from the presence of each of the speakers. You cannot get up in front of a group of people and do and say what they do, with a lot of ego. You cannot get your point across if you are worrying about what people are going to think about you wearing a white feather in your hair. Or talking about something as shocking as pleasure while doing hip circles with your daughters.

Also, there is no well-worn path! To be a leader requires courage that may come from a place of stillness and balance. And you cannot honestly find it by latching onto someone else's wisdom.

And... there is plenty of room to be a leader. To be centered in oneself. To have courage, the root of which is "the heart".

I am So going back next year...

p.s...

2008-09-10T19:17:00.001-04:00

(and then, she says to herself, maybe, just maybe, its time to stop talking like this and actually get on with it... which may have been the whole point to begin with.)

Doing What Is Best For Me...

2008-09-10T17:52:00.003-04:00

If there is one thing I can count on... its change.

I've read books telling about how our bodies change ALL the time. Our cells replace. It seems our consciousness is what keeps things inside boundaries... and we can pick, and learn and unlearn, the boundaries.

So, here I am, on a Wednesday, feeling like there are changes going on, and really, I should not be surprised.

So I took this great class (twice) and, when I couldn't wrap my head around something that happened with another student, and felt totally un-safe, I chose to leave the online community, which, according to the documents when I registered for the class, I'd have for my lifetime. I asked for my posts (All of them) to be deleted. Fast-forward to today(ish) where I learned what Kate from the movie French Kiss learned, that there's nothing safe enough to prevent things from happening to you... and that if you try you end up generally having a really boring time in the process... So, I decided to ask to return to this online community via email... after a few days of no response, I decided to see if I could actually log-on and, lo and behold, my account was still active! With about 300 posts still to my name! Well, geewhiz! So, I sent up a few posts ("brags" they're called...) and was roundly appreciated for returning... then I got an email (apologizing) that the webmistress would have to delete my posts, as we were waiting on a response from The Queen as to whether I would be allowed back on the boards...

and then I got the polite response from The Queen. Apparently, to be allowed the privelege of returning to the alumnae board (which I kicked myself off of, mind you...), she has "invited" me to take the class again. I can't say whether she thinks that I need the class, or if this is a matter of money (but taking a look at the economy...and at all I've learned and done which she has no knowledge of... my bet is on the former) but seriously... I'm not paying $3400 for access to a website. The website may be valuable, and the class may be extremely valuable, but I do have my priorities in order... It would not be pleasureable for me to take a class, although I'm sure I'd get a lot out of it, although not under these circumstances.

Don't misunderstand me, I do truly value what I've gotten from this class. I am much happier today than I was a few years ago. By that measure alone, the class was worth the price, the first, and the second time. I will say that along the way, I made choices that I would consider, now, taking back, but the choices were mine, and I'll stand with them.

Its kind of funny the way other people "know whats good for you"... its even funnier to me, considering this class opens paradigm shifts about exactly that... that the belief systems that have defined ourselves, up until now, may not fit who we actually are... and that the way to living the life we desire is to do what is pleasureable to ourselves, to follow our own inner voice, and break those boundaries where necessary. Sorry, Sweetheart, but why would I take on your definition of what's good for me, now, when you encouraged me to define my own life to begin with? I could go to Paris with that money!!!

I just had no idea I was SUCH a troublemaker... if I'd known this when I was in high school, I totally would have skipped class to go to McD's with the captain of the boys b-ball team.

The real Revolution lies within yourself and feeling your way through what is actually good for yourself...giving yourself permission, and choosing your teachers wisely. It lies in paying attention to the people and circumstances where you feel happy and satisfied (and the ones that don't!) and nurturing or weeding or pruning those things as needed. It lies in letting people love you, and laugh at you, and hold you when you cry... and in doing the same for them. Its in making a friend Chicken Tonite for dinner when he and his girl broke up. Its in learning not to let people stuff you into boxes that they choose (just because they're more comfortable with you like that) and loving them afterwards in spite of themselves. Its in living the day that is in front of you. Its in turning the so-called mundane into ritual and experiencing its meaning.

And in the thick of it, I don't think it always feels like a revolution at all, which can sometimes be the toughest part...

Why I am Adorable (today)

2008-08-25T17:12:00.003-04:00

I am Adorable because...

because I have a "happy dance"! (which I discovered, when I found I had a heated, clean hotel pool all to myself at 6am on a Friday... happy dance once also seen on a volleyball court after one fantastic play.)
because I allow myself to actually DO my happy dance!
because I gracefully kept walking this morning, with a "have a nice day / don't call my people becuase we're so not doing lunch" wave, when a man chased me down the subway stairs repeatedly telling me he wanted to talk to me, and about how gorgeous I am (this guy had been, just moments before, totally blocking the stairway and unaware of anyone but himself... one of my particular NYC pet peeves!)
because apparently, I am a natural leader (who knew?) this surprises me particularly when I'm feeling reluctant about actually being a leader.
because I have 2 mcdonalds star wars bobblehead toys on my computer at work (ObiWan and Leia)
because I'm getting better at asking for things that I do want, with detatchment, without getting snippy or sad or angry about not having them delivered atthisverymoment!
because I'm shredding stuff that I am SO done with having in my "space"
because I can accept I wasn't that great in college, and apparently am still capable of doing good work. I was, in a group of brainiacs, kind of average. And I got a D in one class and at least one C. (and I just shredded all but the final transcripts. byebye!)
because I'm learning, at last, that I don't have to suck every morsel of knowledge out of every piece of paper that enters my house.
because I never was perfect, and really don't have to be perfect right now either.
because I'm also learning how to breathe and let things be because they are all just fine and unfinished right now.
because I'm putting "because" on every line, even though its at the beginning and grammaticaly incorrect!
because I am a work-in-progress.
because I just say so.

Tour of the Universe

2008-08-18T17:21:00.003-04:00

So, Yeah.

I finally think I can tag a name onto whatever it is I spend my time thinking on. I am, I think, a hobbyist Cosmologist. I think about all kinds of "crazy" ideas, think "ooohhh... coooool...." when I look at funky websites that many would dismiss as relative insanity, and actually have a working model for how the Universe functions that I've been tinkering with for years. If only I could actually explain it. I try. Sometimes.

(but not right now...)

So, in a prior post I sent a communique I received from a woman here in NYC that does all kinds of cool rituals in her apartment. About the opening of the Heaven's Gate on 8-8-8. And I suspect I have at least one reader of this blog, because I was emailed a link regarding the Ishtar Gate in Babylon (aka Iraq) so, here I am, google-ing "Lion's Gate" (and desparate to filter out the film maker) and land, of all places, in some guy's webpage about..well... something... and includes some really compelling and difficult to follow images, and, the more I read, the more I see I really have nearly no idea what this guy is saying...

Sigh.

anyway, there are a lot of people out there thinking a lot of interesting thoughts, and sometimes their efforts are worth reading, and sometimes they are incomprehensible.

kind of like this blog entry...

I am grateful

2008-08-14T20:03:00.003-04:00

I am grateful for my life, as it is right now.

I am grateful for my friends, for my job, for my apartment, for having to work late because it means my job has that flexibility, and that my contribution to this project is important enough to warrant me staying. I am grateful for the internet, and for fantastic speakers on my work computer, becoming a jukebox after hours. I am grateful for feeling This Full. For knowing to take moments to move in a different direction, and to seek fun where it can be found.

I am grateful and I am sleepy and hungry. I am grateful I'm done with these drawing markups and can go home now!

Brain Full and Being Extraordinary

2008-08-13T17:34:00.004-04:00

ooof i've been feeling busy. and full.

new thoughts, ideas, and plans have been skimming off the surface of my brain like a meteor that bounced off the atmosphere (can they do that? how bout a space capsule? it was in apollo 13 so it must be true)

I did discover, delightfully, that swimming is going to be one of my antidotes to the sensation of over-fullness. I once loved to swim, doing laps at community pool, not for 'exercise' but just to do it. kind of a meditation. what a perfect way to sneak in exercise to my schedule (psst! nobody tell me its good for me!)

and i've been a mite bit cranky, sorting thru some things regarding my relationship with something I'll call the SWA... I took a class (twice, in fact), loved it, received much from it, and it was a helluva good time... knew it wasn't 'everything' for me, and ended up sliding away from much of it without letting go of the good stuff I learned...

and I am now receiving advertising for its next upcoming session, and also for its advanced program... and it sounds, of course, so, so good.

Who doesn't want a life that is extraordinary?

my thoughts have been going something like this: I've realized and acknowledged, largely thanks to this class, that it is essential to follow my own inner calling, where i hear it. To be grateful, daily, for the blessings of being me. To honor my self when I hear that inner voice that says "I don't want to Do that." or "take the ride." To know that hot baths and hugs and laughter are essential. For me. To know if someone offers to fly you to Paris for a week and you want to go, you say Yes.

But what the hell does extraordinary really mean, and why would I need to take a class, again, to get a grasp on that?

Do I feel the need, the desire, to stuff myself like a goose being prepared for pate, of all of the 'good stuff' as defined by a class I've already taken? Something happens when you get a group of people together... there's a group-think that sometimes goes on, an almost magnetic alignment, where what someone else is doing looks way more special, important, or fun than whatever it was you were doing. And sometimes, it just might be, and it's good to feel that out from time to time. But not always. Sometimes, its just nice to hear someone else's adventures, and not go along for their ride. Sometimes, someone else just believe their own press, and when you look at the fine print, what you got ain't lookin so bad at all, and you wouldn't trade your sandals for a mile in her stillettos.... but you can honor her choices as her own.

I prefer a comfortable sandal with some style to it to a stilletto. They're safer, I can walk all day in them, and I can still have my painted toenails seen. If I, as I am, choose to wear stillettos, I might spend a few hours in them, tops, then switch to flats. Which is more pleasureable? The sexy beauty of a stilletto along with the discomfort of having your whole body weight carried on a few square inches (and carrying an extra pair of shoes to change into), or a still-cute but more, dare i say, practical sandal that you can wear all day and dance in, without any thought whatsoever?

Leading an extraordinary life is a state of being. Its a choice and a perspective that doesn't just come from the 'brain'. Its a decision to eke out joy and pleasure where ever you can find it, and listen to your inner guidance system when it says "time out. where the hell are we going, exactly?" To feel your way through situations and circumstances in a way that calls for a listening that goes deeper.

To live conscious and awake. To honor yourself most deeply, by following that inner voice which is most truly and clearly your own.

To stop looking for answers in other people.

And what, after all this, does My inner voice say? The class was great. Fantastic. Life-altering. I am grateful for the ride. I'd recommend it to anyone. But the ride of my life is totally my own. I always have the option if I chose it, to take the class again, or the advanced program. As an alternate... I can take the money and invest it. I can go on vacation. I can buy body butter, lingere, and cosmetics by the truckload. I can spend my time learning French. Becoming better friends with my friends. Laughing more. Sleeping in. And living more awake to Me.

T.G.I.M. 8.11.08

2008-08-11T17:45:00.004-04:00

I am grateful for:

my friends and all the varieties they come in
remembering to take a moment to be grateful on a bizzy monday
finding new motivation to try something new (like swimming)
nail polish on my toes
a weekend of serious nothing-doing (of course I can still wear myself out just by thinking!)
summer
beautiful weather
turning off the A.C.
the awareness I have of not wanting to feel 'stressed', and making the choices towards more pleasurable thoughts
a great night at S-Factor on friday (Flight Night!)
breathing into the tight spaces
the internet
my much cleaner apartment
my sense of humor
my cats
opportunity
inappropriate textmessages
love
freedom
blue skies

Turning The Other Cheek (literally...)

2008-08-08T11:05:00.003-04:00

This morning, a happy friday morning, I got on the subway and found, as per usual, an open seat that I occupied. It is a bit of a ride between A and B, so I always choose to sit. A few stops later, a woman who is larger than I, got on, and squeezed herself between me and the person in the seat 2 over... pushing out of the seat I was in, far enough to be uncomfortable. these are the butt-shaped seats, and other than sitting in the seat itself, having the ridge right into your sitz bone would keep many more bottoms than the princess and the pea unhappy.

So, I engaged in border warfare. Refusing to give ground and be moved any further out of my seat. And I'm not a tiny person either, but damnit, i was there first! MY SEAT! And, I have measured my own width and know that I generally fit within one seat-space. I sat and used my I-pod, texted on my cell, and played ignorant to her clear frustration at me not sitting astride the ridge between two seats and thereby making her more comfortable and me, less.

After a while, I had to ask myself, "Is this worth it?" and recalled a recent conversation with someone who shared that he'd not reacted when a drunk man spat on him... So, I thought... and realized... I'm healthy, I can stand, I'm holding onto a pole and listening to music (and is that ever a bad thing?),this seat isn't important, I'll be working in my seat all day... So, if it is THAT important for this woman with her fat ass to occupy a plastic subway seat so much that she'd push me out of mine... well.. she can have it.

So I stood, back facing her, no longer occupying my (former) half-empty seat, or the half-empty one adjacent to me, wishing a bit that I had a fart somewhere in my system...

and in a few stops, sat in the newly unoccupied seat next to mine, when another person got up. Measuring again, my ass, for conformance with subway-ass specifications (and yes I do fit).

so, the moral of the tale is,

sometimes it's just better to let someone have the plastic seat if its that important to them.

post-whine

2008-08-07T17:12:00.005-04:00

Yes, I deleted a post I put up yesterday..

Didn't notice? Good.

nobody really wants to hear it when anybody complains. Unless you're a famous commentator and get paid to kvetch. I've figured that out, so, i've deleted it from my blog. Even if you think you're not complaining... and logic and reason may be part of the complaint itself, but still, people shut their ears if you have a negative emotion floating around. Most people, however, persist in complaining themselves, and don't get this, but will ignore you when you complain. No, it doesn't matter if you have a very very good reason (so I doubt anyone even registered yesterday's post, other to judge me as one cranky b1tch). Find someone empathetic, let them witness your wounding, and move on...

I needed to say what I said, and, as I've taken responsibility for my self, feeling what I feel, forgiving, and moving forward, as I can...

and getting as much sleep as feasible.

its a cyclical thing... like cleaning out your closet and releasing what you can, then going back in later on to find there's more to release, and more, but the stuff not released in January shows up in May to be considered, then again in August...

I'm learning I am not responsible to teach the whole world... at least not in an active way... that I can't change behavior of other people, the best I can do for myself is accept it, accept my own humanity and the humanity of others, and if a circumstance is a blockade move around it, or occasionally as Victoria Moran suggests in her book Creating a Charmed Life, to let the mountain just be there...

last night I took myself out for a filet mignon. Such a delicious treat... the whole mean was priceyer than I usually spend on meals, but really, it was SO worth it!!

still, I feel like the energy around is in upheaval, and I'm feeling stuckish, occasionally swampy, occasionally fantastic, surprised by things in good ways, and have been pulling my energy inward, and allowing the chaos to swirl because that's what it seems to want to do (speaking of which I really need to pay my bills).

ooof theres that sensation in my belly again... all the undone things, threatening to come up, thru my esophagus, and send me into a panick...

but really, after having an elevator on a project appear and disappear again (don't ask its not that interesting) and a meeting invade my progress.... I've done Enough today.

a forwarded galactic memorandum regarding ... 8 - 8 - 8

2008-08-07T08:26:00.005-04:00

(s/he who has ears to hear... let them hear)

Subject: "8-8-8 * OPENING THE GALACTIC INFINITY GATEWAY" from Archangel Michael

Message from Archangel Michael Transmitted Through Ronna Herman

Friday, August 8, 2008

"8-8-8 * OPENING THE GALACTIC INFINITY GATEWAY"

Beloved Masters, many time/event triggers within the Sacred Heart core of humanity and within the crystalline construct of the Earth are being activated as ALL Creation within this universal experience moves more rapidly along the spiral of evolutionary ascension. One of the major time triggers for the activation of the eighth-dimensional Infinity Gateway will occur on your calendar date of August 8, 2008 or 8-8-8.

An important cosmic moment will take place at that time, for the eighth-dimensional portal will be accessible to those of you who are diligently working to balance and harmonize your frequency patterns so that you will be able to integrate the maximum Creator Light during these times of unprecedented opportunity for spiritual growth. By doing so you, the vanguard, are opening and clearing the pathway for those following behind you. Even though there is no linear time in the higher realms, these event triggers are initiated during specific times which are important to humanity and, therefore, will more readily inspire participation and remembrance of the event.

Beginning with the Total Eclipse of the Sun in the sign of Leo on August 1, 2008, humanity and the Earth will experience another cycle of acceleration and expansion of consciousness. There will also be a partial Eclipse of the Moon on August 16, 2008 in Aquarius, the solar sign of the coming Golden Age. August 16th is also the anniversary of the Harmonic Convergence which took place 21 years ago in 1987. At that time, many people around the Earth awakened, for a cosmic alarm clock went off which triggered a massive Divine discontent among the Star Seed who came to Earth to be the wayshowers and the advance guard for the ascension process that is now in full swing.

THE FIGURE EIGHT TURNED ON ITS SIDE IS THE INFINITY SIGN OF ETERNAL LIFE and connects you with the brightness and blessings of our Father/Mother God and the Supreme Creator. The 8-8-8 Galactic Gateway is being flung open to allow the full measure of Adamantine Particles to flow forth from the heart center of the Supreme Creator via our Father/Mother God. These particles, which are filled with unlimited potential, are being made available for all those who have prepared their human vessels to receive this gift of Life/Light.

It will be of great benefit if you make your preparations now for the 8-8-8 Galactic Gateway activation. It has been called the Lion’s gate; however, it could better be called the Royal Gateway, for it is the gateway to your Divine heritage and the true beginning of your return journey to your many mansions in the heavenly realms that you created on your journey into density.

You are being prepared to meet and merge with many of the facets of your Higher Self that you left in a multitude of Pyramids of Light throughout this universe. Those of you on the path are gradually returning to an understanding of universal laws and cosmic truths. As you traverse the path toward enlightenment, you will gradually rectify and eliminate all erroneous concepts from the past that have created your false, creed-bound traditions and your limited reality of scarcity, unworthiness, superstition and fear. Via self-examination, you must develop a new creed of life and decide whether you will follow the path of Light or the path of the shadowlands.

We are asking those of you who have faithfully followed our teachings to join together in the World Pyramid of Light in the highest fifth dimension during this important time. As you unite with your spiritual brothers and sisters from around the world, we ask you to join in a great prayer together:

"BELOVED FATHER/MOTHER GOD, I ASK FOR MY HIGHEST GOOD, THE GREATEST GOOD FOR THE EARTH AND ALL HUMANITY."

Breathe in the LIGHT, and breathe OUT the sacred Adamantine Particles of Creation activated by your unconditional loving energy. "BREATHE IN LIGHT ** BREATHE OUT LOVE ** BREATHE IN LIGHT ** BREATHE OUT LOVE." The Infinity Breath exercise will enhance your efforts and increase the personal benefits you will derive; however, it is not necessary for this powerful meditation and prayer to be effective. By doing so, you will radiate forth from your Sacred Heart core the Adamantine Particles of Life/Light that you have drawn forth from the Creator Source, and it will be gathered and magnified one thousand fold.

This blessed elixir will be used to assist humanity and the Earth, it will reinforce the determination and dedication of the righteous, dedicated souls, and will gradually cut off the resources of those who are only interested in power, control and domination of the masses.

Also, while in communion with your Father/Mother God, radiate your gratitude and heartfelt thanks for the many blessings that are being bestowed upon you. Not with words, beloveds, but with an outpouring of love from within the core of your Sacred Heart. It is also a most wondrous gift to yourself, for you will know without a doubt that you are connected to the Source of ALL as the love is returned to you in greater and greater measure.

When your Sacred Heart blazes forth with the Living Fire of Adamantine Particles, which are the particles of infinite Creation, you will begin to manifest miracles beyond imagining. When you regain access to this precious Elixir of life and ignite it with your loving intention, all the qualities of God-consciousness begin to flow through you and out into the world of form.

The practice of discernment requires the use of the wisdom and the advanced intelligence stored within your Sacred Mind. However, you must not judge those whose truth does not conform with your own. Discernment is deciding what your personal truth is, which creates the rules and wisdom you are to live by.

The mind can be a masterful servant, but without its connection to the Sacred Heart it can be a destructive master. That is why it is imperative that you activate and empower both the Sacred Heart and the Sacred Mind. The ego attracts disharmony and dissatisfaction, and causes you to look outside of yourself for solutions and a state of equilibrium. The ego mind judges and condemns; however, the Sacred Mind requires that you filter information/knowledge through the Sacred Heart, thereby making the best choices for the greatest good. Moving from judgment to discernment means making choices via the wisdom of the Sacred Mind and the compassion of the Sacred Heart.

This means developing your own creed based upon the truth as you know it and then living that truth to the best of your ability, while allowing others the same right. Seeking and living your truth is your covenant with our Father/Mother God and it is the path of harmonious and fruitful living. When you separate yourself from the Supreme Creator and the God parents of this universe, you also separate yourself from the flow of Adamantine Particles and diminishes your Life Line to the Source.

Beloveds, as you gain self-mastery, you will begin to view life through a filter of love. You will become an observer and a positive interactive force, not a reactor who reinforces or compounds a negative situation that comes your way for your learning. When your prayers are wrapped in the loving energy of your Sacred Heart, they are always answered for your greatest good.

Prayers from the ego-self are answered by allowing you to seek your own solution through the filter of your misconceptions, and via the distorted frequency patterns of your inappropriate actions. You must embrace all facets of your God-consciousness. Do not see the trials and tests in your life as punishment, but as an opportunity to discover the illusion of limitation you have built around you which is keeping you from true freedom of expression and creation.

Self-mastery means that you decide what you wish to experience and the path you will follow. You initiate action instead of reacting to circumstances and other people’s actions. As a human Being, you must be aware of negative emotions as they arise. Immediately neutralize them through the transformative power of forgiveness.

Many of you on the path are very old souls and are experiencing your last reincarnation on Earth, if you so desire. You have completed your earthly mission and did not need to return, but agreed to do so in order to be a wayshower for your soul families and loved ones. Before incarnating, you agreed to help anchor the higher frequencies of Light needed to assure that the greatest number of souls would be ready and able to take part in the ascension process now in progress.

We know who you are. We of the higher realms recognize each of you through your Soul/energy signatures. As your intuitive abilities increase, you will also be able to recognize us through our loving vibrational patterns or our energetic signature. Once the shield that you have placed over your Solar Power Center is removed and your Sacred Heart is ignited with Adamantine Particles, the beauty of your Soul and the fire of Spirit will always shine through, and your auric field will begin to expand and grow in radiance. You are laying the foundation for higher truths: a new creed for all humankind, a creed of freedom, equality, abundance and peaceful co-existence and, most important, a closer connection with our Father/Mother God and with us.

Beloved sons and daughters of the Light, the glorious gifts and opportunities being offered to you are beyond the comprehension of many of you and the unawakened masses. The information we, the servants of our Mother/Father God, have given you over the past few decades has never been revealed to the masses before. The secret wisdom teachings were reserved for the select few, the initiates and disciples who took an oath to reject their loved ones, all earthly pleasures and possessions.

Slowly and laboriously, sometimes over several lifetimes, they dedicated themselves to intense study, deprivation of physical needs, and rigorous training, exercises and initiations. Many perished or fell by the wayside, for some of the tests were dangerous and beyond the capabilities of all but the most disciplined and hardy souls. Many of you who are fearful and hesitate to move forward on the path of illumination were among those who failed or perished in past initiations.

You did not fail, beloveds, for you helped set the stage and open the higher frequency pathways for the miraculous times you are in the midst of presently. During these unprecedented times, you are not being asked to abandon your family, your possessions or earthly pleasures. In fact, just the opposite is encouraged. As a self-master you must strive to live in both your inner and outer worlds; if you deny either one, you are not fully conscious and you are out of balance.

You have not been asked to retreat into a remote sanctuary to gain en-Lighten-ment, but to create a sacred sanctuary, a column of refined frequencies of Light around you, so that no matter where you go, you will take your sacred space with you. You are being offered an opportunity to don your cloak of Light and accept the crown of immortality as you join the ranks of ‘ascending masters’.

Dearest hearts, be of great courage and resolve, for you are the guiding Lights for humanity. The rarified Light frequencies and codes of ascension must flow through you and out into the world. You are honored for your dedication and steadfastness, and you are loved profoundly,

I AM Archangel Michael

Transmitted through Ronna Herman

* Copy freely and share. However, we ask that you share this message in its entirety and give proper credit. WE OFFER ARCHANGEL MICHAEL’S MESSAGES ON OUR WEBSITE AS A GIFT. http://www.ronnastar.com/latest.html

brags 8.04.08

2008-08-04T12:56:00.002-04:00

I've decided to start bragging, right here:

I brag that I made a very short business trip VERY pleasurable:

One of my colleagues took care of our ground transportation to the airport in a lovely hired towncar. I didn't have to do anything at all, except show up.
I was well taken care of during my outbound flight, by a friend of one of my friends who happens to be a flight attendant.
I got my desire to eat in the hotel restaurant the night of our arrival rather than have our group venture out into the ridiculous heat...
I said "no" to going for a walk because I wanted some Me time.
I ended my Thursday by lounging in a HOT TUB on a SUN DECK.
I started my Friday work-day by lounging in a HOT TUB on a SUN DECK at 6:30am. And getting a great view of the Rockies...
I wished a Hagrid-sized man to relocate himself out of the seat next to me and he moved across the aisle on my very delayed return flight (the seats were freed up once they pushed us back to the gate, and people decided to disembark), without me saying a word.
I, and the rest of the flight, received a free cocktail as, I suspect, a way to say "thank you for being so patient" due to the delay.
The woman next to me shared a candy bar with me, and gave me her magazine when she was finished... more importantly, we laughed a lot together.
and, I landed at the airport I had picked out on my ticket YAY!!!

I brag that I have been gifted the use of a man who loves to do stuff for women. Without any kind of compensation. Kind of a free personal servant. I still can't figure out the "how" of this one, but apparently there are men who like to do this (who knew? I'm still waiting for $200 from a man who swore he'd pay it back. I've totally given up on it.). The gift was from a friend of mine who has had several "houseboys" who will come over and clean for her, and its their pleasure to do so. Again, I repeat, there is no quid pro quo at all. Even, apparently, my gratitude is unnecessary. I brag I am learning that it is, for me, a challenge to come up with stuff for this guy to do, because I'm so used to and capable of doing nearly everything myself. This is a good skill-building for me on receiving, because, honestly, I'm unfortunately not very used to telling someone what I want and actually getting it. This lack has been frustrating, and hopefully, I'll be able to learn something about asking and receiving. I told this man (basically a total stranger who I'm not "interested" in) that I wanted flowers on my desk at work, and that I'm partial to daisies. This was truly a stretch for me, to allow myself to ask and receive, and not think I was being judged for either the asking or receiving.

Paying Attention...

2008-07-28T13:02:00.002-04:00

So,

I was walking back to my office after picking up my lunch. Thinking of how blown-away I am at the new information I found on the web... Married Catholic Priests, and women who've been excommunicated for becoming Catholic Priests... and people writing on a healthy view of sexuality from a Catholic point of view...

All this because I went to my uncle's wedding, where he and his new bride were married by a MARRIED Catholic Priest. Where my uncle's ex-wife was present (and wore the same dress as my mom (gasp!)) and the bride's ex-husband gave her away. Where I brough my cousin's new beau as my date, and she brought a guy as a friend who she potty trained with (and his parents were there too). Where my other cousin from New Hampshire totally dug my other cousin's girlfriend's Yorkshire (England) accent. Oh yes, we are a modern family! (All else I can say is I had a great time, was a bridesmaid and looked totally hot-haute!)

I was going to write about how much material this gives me on the partnership between men and women in marriage as equals, each playing their own part but equal partners, not with man-as-head and woman subservient, and not coming from its backlash -- a place of angry feminist / "yes dear" male, but instead, a man and woman really, truly as partners. Nourishing each other.

And then I stepped in gum.

The still, small voice. The reflection of the everything in little things. The reminder that I asked one of my male coworkers to kill a HUMUNGOUS cockroach who was petitioning to be the office pet (yeeecccchhhhh....) this morning.

The stepping in gum. "Keep your feet stuck to the ground." Methinks.

I've known for a while its time for me to make room and finish projects. Take exams I've been putting off, de-clutter and release that which no longer is relevant. So, rather than muse upon the wonderful world of the people who love being Catholic enough to argue with it, I'll just keep my feet stuck to the ground.

What Mama Didn't Tell You... (pt 1 of who knows)

2008-07-21T17:27:00.005-04:00

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
(...)
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.

Here's the thing...

Most women have watched the movie When Harry Met Sally, and yet, most of us don't really comprehend the impact of this statement.

Instead, (some) women are raised believing that if we have the unfortunate occurrence of getting knocked up prior to marriage, we'll be guilty of committing accidental-on-purpose homicide of the eldest relative in the family. Perhaps offing more than one relative.

Why is this kind of fear and pressure placed in the hands of a 16-year old girl? Why tell her that the world is a terrifying place, and that to misstep would mean that she kills someone she loves And ruins her life? What lessons would you teach her about what she is not capable of on this planet? That in being born a woman, she is capable of destruction in her actions, even in the act of creation? What a terrible, fearful, angry way to live!

How about another way... How about creating a path that honors her, as a budding woman, already more capable of making her own good decisions than many of the boys her age, and teaching her to trust her own body?

...zooming out for a moment...
We have way too many unanswered questions on this planet. Too many economic, ecologic, ethical questions that require our attention. Now. Attention is required of the variety of opinions of fully engaged humans in universe of both genders, of every race to resolve and move forward in a way that honors all of us. It's time for each of us to play the part in the Universal Orchestra that we were put here to play as best as we can.. right where we are, right now.

Fear of self and fear of other gets in the way of this far more than everything else. That's a really good Why to think on, if you want to know Why it's not a good idea to be afraid of men, or of women, or whatnot. Or Why it's a good idea to let go of and forgive the memory of someone that hurt you.

It has taken me almost 20 years to sort this out, and I'm not totally sure I have it all the way sorted out yet. But, here goes.

...zooming back in for a tighter view...

Women and men have biological parts that fit together. God/dess / Nature / the Universe, built it like that. It makes sense, and is a very very good thing, that our bodies respond to one another... otherwise, there'd be very few people running around.

It's also pretty freaking clear that men and women ARE different creatures, think different thoughts, and use the same words to mean entirely different things. And within those sub-sets of male/female, there's overlap, theres a lot of individuation, and there are no set rules of behavior and interaction. There's a lot of ambiguity. But, we can still go back to (except in the noted case of hermaphroditism) that girls have girl parts, and boys have boy parts.

I'd like to say that I find the judgements people have about all of this largely annoying. Particularly when that judgement is based on fear (which it is most of the time). I find this annoying because of what it does to other people who are on the receiving end of this judgement, who generally are listening to people who should be giving them good solid guidance are making them afraid of their own bodies and everyone elses along with it. And I am Really REALLY annoyed that this fear and shutting-down and judgement is levelled largely at girls and women. It is Not my Fault or a Problem that my body draws attention. In the words of Jessica Rabbit, "It's just the way I'm drawn."

I am not suggesting a carnal free-for-all. On the contrary, the more a person understands and knows how things work, the more each person trusts their own body/mind/spirit, the less there is need for fear, and less general stupidity and fruitless rebellion.

I've spent the past couple of years delving into this and untangling the web of beliefs that have done an excellent job keeping me single. And, as with many things, I find that my path is rather cyclical. And littered on the path have been signposts to say what was said at the beginning, the DNA of the question and the answer, right there, but I couldn't see it without taking the walk for myself.

And the summary is this -- do what is best for yourself in all things. Honor all aspects of your body, your heart, your mind, your soul's purpose (god bless you if you know what that is) and LISTEN to that still, small voice inside that says, "Do NOT let that anywhere near me." or "Hang tight." And notice... that voice don't come from your brain.

Love your flesh. It is the physical and three-dimensional vehicle inside which the emotions, the brain, and the local experience of the soul all reside. To deny the body is to deny all that is part of it.

And don't spend your whole life being afraid of making mistakes. Filled with regrets for what you have not done, the "I Love You"s never said, for the sunrises missed while under the covers.

But, as is necessary, what I do with my life must be based on what is right and good for me. And, for me this is an amalgam of experiences of mind/body/spirit/emotion that is uniquely mine, and a never ending project. I'm sure it's the same for you.

And behind all of this, I come back to learning to trust myself above all others. Learning to drown out the opinions and judgements of others, well-meaning or ill-meaning, and listen with greater clarity to the voice within me, to breathe and be quiet. To watch less TV and go for more walks. To honor my own opinions, preferences and needs, and to forgive those who know not what they do, and to get on with the business of being alive.

I have no idea how much sense this post will make to you. I'm hoping, based upon the way the words are insisting upon their place written across this sky that there is something you're looking to hear.

burp!

2008-07-19T13:36:00.003-04:00

Is this blog too serious???

I do have opinions on... like... Everything! Well, I dunno, maybe not everything.

But I was writing another post that I haven't finished, and thinking, "Is this really necessary?"

I think I'm taking myself, and my need to comprehend, way too seriously lately.

What I really enjoy, once I've gotten my opinionated self out of the way, is to enjoy my friends, to laugh, and to be really present and share time with people I care about.

so i guess i have an opinion on that too, eh?

Last night I went to a great pre-wedding semi-bachelorette party that was fun. Silly silly. Complete with cock shaped straws (for cocktails, of course). It felt good to be part of an extended bunch of friends and family who love me and who I love. Maybe that's what its all really all about. Remembering whats actually important. Accepting and cherishing what's mine, and relaxing with people who endure in my life.

TGIF 7.18.08

2008-07-18T22:46:00.003-04:00

I am grateful for

my awesome extended family
finding out my Nana was something of a hot ticket, and a good girl rolled into one!
laughter with wonderful people
friends and family who love me for who I am
the gorgeous full moon
spunkyness
air conditioning
mass transit
internet access
appreciating my family and enjoying them
discount designer shopping
my excellent taste
knowing all things are done for my best interest
a beautiful night.

On Cicero -- Discussions at Tusculum (part 1 of who knows)

2008-07-17T08:28:00.000-04:00

Oh my Dear Cicero,

How lovely it would be to meet and converse with you.

Your arguements are intelligent, thoughtful, and, idealistic.

And, in cases, built on hypothetical extremes and nonsense.

And I quote:

"For, heaven knows, unless we were talking merely to amuse ourselves and pass the time, our previous discussions ought to have convinced us by now that the wise man is free from all those disturbances of the soul which I describe as passions; his heart is full of tranquil calm for ever. And anyone who is self-controlled, unwavering, fearless, undistressed, the victim of no cravings or desires, must inevitably be happy."

It sounds good. Really. And considering you've been dead for 2000 years, its kind of difficult for me to argue with you directly.

Consider this, Cicero -- wisdom is a thing which increases over time and experiences, and the reflection on those, correct? And those experiences are the very things which disturb the soul. The passions and fears, distresses and extremes of living life and being fully engaged within it. So, as wisdom is something which can be increased, the only way to seek it out is to engage the very things which would disturb the peace.

You also mention that a wise and according to you, therefore, a happy man is impregnable to that which would disturb him.

How then, Cicero, is he who is a fortress allowing nothing and no one to touch his Self to then increase in his wisdom?

Wisdom is a personal 'posession' as it were. It may be aided by digesting the wisdom of others, but unless tested against ones own life and experience is merely knowledge. Nothing more.

Stick a Fork in Me…aka Being “Done”

2008-07-15T17:04:00.001-04:00

I’ve had a bit of an epiphany that I’ll share with all of you.

You know at Thanksgiving when you eat all the turkey, smashed ‘tatoes, gravy, green bean casserole, more turkey, stuffing, hand me a roll and some butter please, and cranberrysauce you can, and then, even though it all smells SO good, you can’t possibly have another bite? That would be, “I’m Full.”

It’s pretty easy to see that there are other kinds of indulgences too where you get to that point. In fact, this applies to Anything. It’s the same thing that happens to cats who’ve chased a laser pointer around the living room for an hour, who go hide themselves under a couch because if they see the laser pointer they’ll keep chasing it.

This occurs in other directions too. People have their breaking points. The “take this job and shove it” moment. The “this movie stinks so badly I’m not staying to see the end” moment (which apparently my parents thought of Reds, iirc).

Its all about boundaries. My boundaries for me. Your boundaries for you. And, just like on Thanksgiving, or that first time you drank too much at a party, sometimes you’ve got to press into those boundaries, find out where they are, so you know them the next time they show up.

The thing to know about boundaries is that there’s always more to be had on the other side of it. More turkey. More abuse from a boss. More street vendors selling knockoff perfumes. More ice cream. More compromise. More party.

And just because there’s more, doesn’t mean its going to get any better, or change, particularly if you don’t like it now.

There is always more. Of everything. Good, bad, mediocre… whatever.

Why? Because we live in an abundant universe where we make our own rules.

Leaning into a bad situation, or a boring one, only makes it persist.

Ignoring blessings in your life, or dishonoring them, or downplaying them, will have them go away faster.

Knowing when you’re full… full of giving or full of receiving, is essential.

Knowing how to let go of what blessings you have received and bless it, to allow more good into your life, is the way to bring in more...

I have more thought on this, but that's all I can do for now. I'm done.

Why blogging is a good thing for me to do

2008-07-14T12:33:00.000-04:00

I'm not writing this blog to convince you of anything.

Neither am I writing to sway you to my point of view.

You don't have to share my opinions. I don't make any more sense than Rush Limbaugh, Michael Moore, or that guy down the block who has something to say about...everything. If you want a better opinion, find the oldest person you know who seems happy and is unmedicated, and ask them to talk about their life.

I am human, and by necessity am opinionated, flawed, and yes, I do get PMS.

All that said, a friend of mine recently shared with me that I was able to reflect back to her some of the things going on in her life, and provide her with a valuable point of view... and that subsequently and rapidly her life dramatically changed for the better. As such, she bought me dinner and two Huge glasses of wine to say 'thank you'. I do not claim to be the cause, but I am happy to help.

I find I'm at my best at this opinion-thing when I'm detatched from what the other person is going through and that they are able to receive it more (there's actually a reason in physics for that one). I admit totally that I struggle with detatchment when it comes to my own life and direct experiences. That's a puzzle I haven't worked through, and leaves me, on occasion, emotionally very raw.

So, I'm writing as a bucket into which to throw my varied opinions, as they are, and to hopefully open eyes to things that maybe, you really didn't think about quite in the way I'm saying them. At other times, I hope something in you sighs, "yes. that's it." when I say something that has made a lot of sense. If I don't get your knickers twisted on occasion, I'm probably not going far enough.

I'm also working to practice communicating from my heart as well as from my head. And I love to write. And to read what I wrote, and say, "Yes, that's me."

In addition, my sun sign is Virgo, my rising sign and moon sign are both in Gemini. While I don't utilize astrology as a daily planner, I do find it useful to note that what this means is that I am ruled in many ways by the metaphor of the planet Mercury -- The Communicator (and deliverer of flowers by FTD). As such I can reflect on my own thoughts and emotions and experiences. Sometimes opinions are racing through my head and I have to put them somewhere to make my Virgo side feel useful in having all of these opinions.

I'm also writing, because I once put my loquatiousness to use on another private online forum that I have since departed from. Some of my friends have shared that they miss my perspectives on that board, but it really was time for me to go. They may find a piece of what was once there, but I don't expect that these posts will be nearly as personal. Additionally, this will be available to a wider and more diverse audience, which necessitates greater selectivity and less disclosure, but also makes my thoughts available to whomever is interested... which could be a good thing.

Any opinion and any philosphical perspective on life, the universe, and everything is necessarily non-comprehensive. This applies to religions, political structures, 12-step programs, and anything else you can think of. For anything at all that can be had experientially, there are not enough words that can be used to wrap thoughts around it to make it disappear, or to elucidate all dark corners. The map is never the territory.

Life is, by nature, unbounded. I consider this blog, as well as any other effort to be essentially trivial. Please don't take me too seriously.

Welcome to my Blog

2008-07-14T09:39:00.003-04:00

and, this would be my first post.

I have much more to say, but, will say it later.

Here are some of the topics I plan on commenting on in the future... feel free to respond with additional topics to consider!

Why my blog is titled "Veronica, Revisited"
Sustainability
The Planned Disappearance of the Incandescent Lightbulb
"Like" vs "As", or, the importance of word selection
Why blogging is a good thing for me to do (Or, Inside My Brain)
Miss USA Fell Last Year and This Year, and why we like "Train Wrecks"
Environmentalism
Integrity
Hillary Clinton’s Hair, Voice, and Derriere
Commentaries on Cicero (the old Roman dead guy)
my own "Letters to Scipio" (alt: how best to lead a good life)
Magnolia Cupcakes
“Workers Ahead” signage in Georgia
Learning from History
What Mama Didn’t Say
The brilliant things I’ve heard in Director’s Commentaries of movies
Pleasure
The probable impact of pagan Greek philosophies during the time of Jesus
S-Factor
The Male's "No", a "gift from god"
Peter Cook
Politics
Jingoism vs Patriotism
Religion
Twisted Knickers
Metaphysics, Quantum Physics, and the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle
My view on the organization of the Universe
Other totally non-confrontational topics…

Cheerios...